I had a dream today that felt so eternally real.
I had a baby. She was 2 days old. My heart was swelling with love every time I looked at her. My house was full of people who came to meet her.
I went to check on her sleep, and found her looking at me. I smiled at her “Now look who’s just woke up!”
I picked her up, brought her to meet the guests. She was so warm, her hair smelled so nice. Love was radiating from her.
I let one of the guests hold her – the next moment I caught him feeding her… rice. With a fork. I snatched her, made her spit what was still in her mouth. I was extremely concerned – what happens when a newborn is given real food?
Then I went upstairs and got ready to breastfeed her, arranging her on a pillow, making myself comfortable on a bunch of pillows in my bed.
And that’s when I woke up. At 6:55 am on a Saturday. And couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t even try. Ididn’t want to lose the memory of this dream.
Oh how I want a baby…
The blood test on CD28 (the day before yesterday) was BFN.
But where’s the AF? How long does it usually get from ovulation to AF? Internet says 12-16 days.
Let’s see: they gave me a shot to stimulate ovulation on CD14 in the morning. On the morning of CD16 they confirmed ovulation has happened. Which, I guess, means it happened on CD15 (or maybe even CD14?). Today is my CD30. Which puts me at… 15DPO? 16DPO? I guess I am still within the ‘norm’.
I just wish it came sooner so that we can start the new cycle…
Amelie Storksdottir's Head Goes Round - First Chemistry Class
Amelie Storkdottir was loving every second of her new life. She loved the school. She loved her roommates Tutsie Utero, Josie Pregs, and Rosie Green. They had so much in common they talked non-stop half-way through the night upon arrival. They shared their dreams, their fears. They became friends instantaneously.
But that was all just settling in. What was really important was the studies.
She looked around the classroom. Everyone was sitting at their desks, looking uncertain and slightly sheepish. Only Janus Twoface and Eric Fruitful talked at the back. Boys. Amelie rolled her eyes.
- Hmmm, there you are. The next generation of baby-carriers. – The teacher walked in and studied them through her huge bifocals. – My name is Mrs. Woohoolah Owlish. Silence please.
Amelie felt confused. Mrs. Owlish handed out chemistry kits containing tiny colourful jars with mysterious labels “hCG”, “estrogen”, and others. There were little bottles with some microorganisms swimming in circles. And a vial with minuscule… balls. “What on earth has this got to do with babies?” – Amelie thought, slowly swirling the swimming microorganisms.
The lesson began. There were tons of diagrams, charts, definitions. Amelie looked longingly at the colourful jars and the microscope. She felt bored.
CD29, 15DPO, 1 day since I got the BFN.
Let’s look on the bright side and squeeze everything possible out of the BFN situation.
1. I don’t have to waste my hot yoga certificate. I got 10 classes for a total of 30 bucks – such a bargain! Everyone knows hot yoga is a no-no for preggies. So – to yoga!
2. I don’t have to waste my rollerblading coupon. I have a coupon for one class. Since falling isn’t recommended during pregnancy, using this coupon while not pregnant is perfect
3. I need to lose some weight. Not too much, maybe 6-8 pounds. Torturing yourself while pregnant isn’t advisable. But I sure can torture myself a bit right now.
4. Wine date with girlfriends is overdue. We’ve been traveling one after the other, hardly crossing paths lately. So now we can get drunk as much as we want, together!
Also some bright-side considerations:
5. I haven’t been consistent with my preg-vit vitamins until about 2 weeks ago. I kept forgetting a pill here, a pill there, sometimes forgetting them for a whole week at a time. Now there will be more, consistently accumulated vitamins in me!
6. It might not be a good thing to change the bedsheets, so to speak. Over the year, I almost didn’t have any menses and the menses I got right before this last cycle were very light and short – for me. So a whole cycle of growing and shedding the lining in my uterus might be a good thing
7. I also was under a lot of stress. I think I finally am resurfacing. Which is also much better.
Amelie Storksdottir in Front of the Gates
This was the most exciting day in Amelie Storksdottir’s life. And no wonder – this was the day when she stopped being a nestling, wasting her life on bug-chasing, cloud-gazing and flying. She was going to Colcannon, the best sc
hool for storks wishing to become baby-carriers.
Her older brother, Gustav Storksson, had graduated from the school last month and now came home in the evenings carrying an air of great self-importance. She called him Dorksson but secretly envied him. He had so many great stories to tell – about the hardships of his profession, the babies he had delivered, the monsters he had defeated.
All of a sudden, Amelie felt uncertain if this was the right career for her. She looked at her thin legs, her long and vulnerable neck, her funnily sticking out feather on the right shoulder. How could she ever withstand a monster’s attack, let along beat him?
- Are you coming or what?
Amelie woke up from her day-dreaming, tried to flatten the sticking feather and entered the school at a run seconds before the school’s grand door was shut.
Her new life awaited her.
Thank you all for your support and kind words. I am not devastated, I am not overly upset. But I am gloomy and slightly depressed. I am out of work, so I have way too much time on my hands to brood.
I decided to start a “project” to occupy my brain and help me while the time away. A small creative project. I will be… writing a story. Like a fairy-tale with a fictitious animal character, and it will be related to IF.
Expressing myself through creative writing… I am undertaking this at least for the next cycle. Will see how it goes and whether I want to continue (also, it will depend on the success of the next cycle, I think).
Mmm… Welcome to the book club, if you’re interested I might even throw in a picture here and there. Have a I ever mentioned I draw and paint?
Should be very therapeutic.
Just got my results from the clinic. Not pregnant.
Well, it would have been too good to be true if they got me pregnant on the very first treatment cycle. But I hoped they would.
Now I have to give them a call when AF starts. And then it all begins all over again.
Today is CD28. I couldn’t fall asleep for a very long time last night, the way I used to before tests, exams, or first days at school or work. This time it was also because of a test – the pregnancy test.
Waking up was insanely hard.
The reception nurse wished me luck. My doctor walked into the blood-drawing room and asked me how I felt – exhausted? Sore breasts? Both doctor and the blood nurse beamed excitedly at me. Then another nurse passed by, too – smiling and wishing me luck.
I don’t know. I am always tired and my nipples have been sore for 2 weeks, this isn’t something recent. And I feel mild cramps. But my vagina also feels sore and tender (my friend told me this was one of the signs with her 3 pregnancies). We shall wait and see.
I am excited, I am scared, I am hopeful.
I will find out in 4 hours…
Okay, I have never charted my basal temperature. My cycles have always been so outrageously irregular that I never saw the point.
As I am waiting for my pregnancy test to be taken tomorrow, I listen intently to every sound and movement in my body (I’m currently unemployed, you know, so too much time for navel-gazing and such).
And today I decided to take my temperature. I read once that putting a thermometer under your tongue is just as good as shoving it up your @ss, so I put it under my tongue. I’m CD27 and I my temperature is quite higher than the normal 36.6 C – it’s 36.9 C (which equals 98.42 F).
Excessive googling didn’t provide me with any definitive answer. It looks like usually basal temperature rises after the ovulation and remains elevated until just before the menses. The unanswered question is: how close to the menses it actually drops? Should it have dropped by CD27 if I ovulated on CD15?
I know, I know = tomorrow am I’ll do the test, tomorrow pm I’ll know the results. But I can’t just sit and wait. And somehow I cannot bring myself to do the home pregnancy test.
I keep looking hopefully at all the vague sign, clinging to my hopes.
CD26 – I feel moderate cramps, the way I usually do within 24 hours before AF. Slight cramping, some intestine disturbance. Ugh, am I going to have a period and start another treatment cycle?
Although I just googled cramps and it looks like cramps can start as early as a week after the ovulation – when pregnancy occured. They actually mean that your uterus is starting to make room for the baby. Let it be the pregnancy cramps! Please!
Keeping my fingers crossed for my pregnancy test the day after tomorrow…