I Want to Feel Joyous

I was reading a blog entry today, where memories of going to a prenatal yoga class were shared – the joyous feeling of being pregnant – when I thought: why don’t I feel joyous?

I realized that I live in constant fear. It’s gnawing at me slowly from the insight. Just this night, I had a dream of an enormous bleeding “fountaining” out of me. I woke up immediately and, before even thinking, checked: all dry, all normal.

Why???

I was talking to my friend about being pregnant, and she interrupted me saying – oh, you guys probably feel so giddy and happy! And I paused mid-sentence – no, we don’t.

I can’t explain it – but my fears and worries are so intense, I still don’t let myself get too attached to the idea of being pregnant. Half of me still doesn’t believe this is happening – and that I am that far along.

I always imagined pregnancy as this quiet happy introspective period, when all your thoughts are focused on the miracle happening inside you.

I am happy, in a way – thanks to my hubby. He makes it very easy for me, he makes extra-sure not to upset me and not to bother me. He plays guitar and sings lullabies to my belly every night.

But I am making myself unhappy.

Sure, in part that’s because my best friend miscarried 4 times. Emotionally, I lived through her struggles. I am an emotional sponge like this, I always “live” through others’ experiences, taking them waaaay too close to heart. So when I realized I am having problems getting pregnant, too – I guess I immediately decided I just might follow her steps… And this fear never let me go.

I want to get rid of it. I want to shake it off strongly, inhale deeply, look at my belly and talk to it. And go shopping in the baby section. And start planning the nursery. And go crazy – letting the idea sink in: we ARE going to have a baby.

Yesterday, despite the fact we don’t have the nuchal u/s results, we decided it is time to start telling people. We started with the family. My mom cried. I was so touched.

And I hope that sharing pregnancy with the world will help me believe that I am pregnant and all is well. I hope that others – who don’t know of our struggles – just might help me feel more certain. Feel joyous.

Horrendous Hospital Service

So today was my nuchal ultrasound. I had my appointment slip and a time slot booked in my calendar for 7 am. Last night, a hospital secretary left a voicemail on my phone, reminding me I have a 6:30 am ultrasound – and to please come with full bladder.

6:30 am?? I called back. The hospital front desk picked up. I started explaining the reason for my call and then realized they transferred me without saying a word. Click! I am talking into a void. And once transferred, no one answered.

Ok. I’ll come at 6:30 am. No biggy, right?

Riiiiight.

I woke up at 5:30 am (!!!), drank the liter of water, got ready and we drove to the hospital.

“You are early” – commented the front desk clerk. I paused: “what do you mean?” She raised her head: “well, they don’t open until 7 am”

You have GOT to be kidding me. Why the f*** do you tell me to come at 6:30 – with a full bladder!!! – if you don’t even open until 7 am???

I didn’t say this to the front desk woman. I only smiled weakly and said I hope I don’t pee in my pants. And then I was jumping and jogging by the ultrasound lab’s door. I was almost crying, I wanted to pee so badly. It started to hurt. I couldn’t even think of the actual ultrasound – I mean, they’re pressing on you stomach there!

And what do you think? When they finally showed up (five minuted PAST 7 am), they shrugged their shoulders: “go pee. We don’t need your full bladder”.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I really felt like whoever left that voicemail the night before, was a woman-hater sadist.Making me come half an hour early with full bladder for no reason at all???

I peed, we got down to the ultrasound business. It turns out they DON’T tell you the results right away. They send them to you ob-gyn. Like a week or two later. Great. So I spent about 10 days with her pressing my belly, asking me to cough and do other weird stuff trying to make baby turn.

And then it turned out my blood test is also today, not a few weeks later as I was told.

So I went to this waiting room, got my number in line (9! yay!), read a sign saying that someone will call my number and sat down to read a book.

30 minutes went by, 40, 50… I haven’t heard anyone calling anyone.

It turned out they had only one nurse and two lines (this being a hospital, urgent people were coming in). The nurse decided she is too busy to go calling people, so she just didn’t. With no warning or announcement. I was soooo aggravated – I waited for 1.5 hours for a simple blood test! Outrageous. And no, I didn’t miss my place in line (well, only a bit… #10 went in front of me).

I am disgusted with St. Joseph’s Hospital in Etobicoke. I really felt like they are sadists who make things purposely aggravating and irritating. And I am to give birth there!!! I am having second thoughts.

And I am considering filing a complaint. The morning incident with me almost peeing my pants was really inhumane. But I really doubt it will make any difference. In those huge places people feel safely untraceable. It’s impossible to establish who is to blame.

Nuchal… telling at work… progesterone… general worries…

Why, why can’t I just relaxed? The whole ride home in the streetcar, I felt all wet between my legs and was freaking out that I am miscarrying. Not only wasn’t there any blood upon arrival home – my underwear wasn’t even wet!

My nuchal u/s is tomorrow. I pray to god there won’t be delays! Last time I had to drink for my u/s a few years back, I almost peed my pants – and there even wasn’t any line! But, of course, what I really pray for – is healthy baby. And I still don’t know whether I will find out the results on the spot or not. I posted a question on the baby centre yesterday (the Canadian one) and it seems like it was different for everyone. In some cases the results went back to ob-gyn – and they had to find out the results there. Since I am in-between fertility clinic and ob-gyn (whom I haven’t met yet) – I am not even sure where would the results go!

I am 12 and a half weeks. I was sitting in meetings today – my big boss from the head office was visiting. I really like him, he has a big vision and he’s really making things happen – and he gets involved. And I felt real bad every time he was passionately talking how “we” will do this and that next year… Once I have my nuchal results, I’ll have to tell at work. It sucks, I feel like such a traitor – they just hired me 2 months ago!

And I am just so ridiculously scared of sharing the pregnancy news with everyone. I feel like sharing it will jinx my pregnancy. Stupid, I know – nevertheless, that worries me…

On a somewhat positive note, today is the last day I am taking 3 progesterone suppositories a day. For the next week my dose goes down to 2 suppositories a day (or 400 ml or mg… not sure). The following week it will be one a day, and then – c’est tout (fr.) I’ll  keep the two evening ones and discontinue the morning pill. I am tired of being worried during my commute that I might urgently need to use a bathroom.

Pregnancy Artbook – The Miracle of Birth

This one I definitely painted when already pregnant. Dreaming of The Day. Thinking of the miracle of birth. And I still don’t know why, for such an abstract painting, it was so important for me to paint rubber gloves on those (nurse’s?) hands. But it felt VERY important.

Maybe I feel that I should be the first one to touch the baby?..

But I like the orange glow and the white chain of stars of flowers -  the connection between mother and child…

I actually suspect that subconsciously I painted the miracle of some hands impanting the baby inside me. That’s why me and my world feel so cold and empty and blue. But who knows? This is me analyzing my brain

None of these are really paintings. I don’t spend much time on this – just enough to etch an emotion on something more reliable and durable than my memory

As always, the image is clickable.

Butterfly or Gas?

This morning I was on the streetcar, going to work – very tired and sleepy. I was determined to finish a suspense book yesterday evening, so went to bed real late (well… it used to be my normal bedtime once upon a time…so maybe not real late) – and we had a pretty bad thunderstorm that woke me up and kept me awake for a while in the middle of the night.

So I was sitting there in the streetcar, feeling sleepy, flipping through the newspaper when I felt it.

I know, I am 12w1d, what the hell am I talking about?

I don’t know. Maybe I am talking about gas. Are you interested in my talking about gas? But seeing as I became real close and personal with gas lately (thanks, progesterone!), I doubt this was gas.

What it was… it felt like a small ball – or a bubble – making a slow rotation movement somewhere where the top of my uterus is right now.

And I know where it is: my book says at 12 weeks if you press just above the pubic bone, you’ll feel the top of the uterus. I won’t say i felt it with my hand – but I definitely felt something the size of a grapefruit shift inside me. So I know where the top of my uterus is.

And all the u/s so far showed the baby at the very top of the uterus.

And gas doesn’t usually feel so gentle. And it doesn’t “rotate” in one place – typically, it moves along my tortured intestines, trying in vain to find an escape route.

So there you go. I have no idea whether this was gas, or something else – or I actually felt my baby for the first time, but I am keeping this memory. I hope as I go along, later on, I will be able to tell what it was. Can’t wait for my nuchal on Thursday to see the baby – and maybe hear the heartbeat? I still haven’t heard it. Only saw it on the screen…

12 Weeks

Somehow I am not very certain today. All symptoms are gone. No more bloating, no more breast pains, no more round ligament pains. The only thing left – sleepiness. 10 pm is my bedtime. Like when I was 7 years old. I know, many symptoms are supposed to disappear, second trimester is supposed to be the golden time. But I thought second trimester starts at 14 weeks?14 weeks for 1st, 13 weeks for 2nd, 13 for the third trimester – 40 in total?

I am anxiously waiting for my nuchal u/s this coming Thursday. To see the baby, the heartbeat, the movements – and, of course, to find out whether everything is okay genetics-wise. Last u/s the baby was 3 days behind. Will the fears ever subside?..

I guess I will be restless then until I start to feel the kicks… Now that I graduated from the fertility clinic, there won’t be u/s every other week any longer.

I don’t know when we will have the nuchal u/s results. The same day? The following day? A week later? I know those will be preliminary results, there will be blood tests a few weeks later, but even after the u/s they give chances of Daune (sp?) syndrome. We decided to wait breaking the news to our families until after we got those probabilities.

I don’t know why I feel so down and blue. I hope it passes soon. I hope Thursday will be great.

Pregnant Art – Symptoms of (In)Fertility

Alright, enough of these discussions whether people had the right to judge my blog or not. Let’s move on! I am happy many of you became my virtual friends, and let’s let all the others be.

Today, I wanna share another spread from my pregnancy artbook. This one I painted while still going through the fertility clinic treatments, pondering all the pains women go through – whether fertile or not.

As always, the image is clickable to see more (and read… some texts get too small to be read when image is compressed to fit the blog size)

On the left, it says: Pregnancy is not a disease, but it has symptoms. Infertility is a disease and it has symptoms, too. It’s ugly.

On the right, the female figures are marked with symptoms they’re experiencing, starting from top left, going clockwise: Widening hips, Swollen feet, Elephant feet, Growing breasts, Excessive hair, Belly kicks and hiccups, Nausea and vomiting, (moving to centre) Back pains, Mood swings, Crazy cravings, Feet up.

Oh, how I dreamed to experience the right-side symptoms! Today, I would’ve added bloating and round ligament pains. But I didn’t know about these symptoms back in May…

Apologies

It was brought to my attention today that some people find my blog offensive. Caught me by surprise. Well, I can see how some of my posts might seem offensive to those who suffered through FAR more than I did, trying to have a baby – and I want to sincerely apologize.

I never meant to offend anyone. And I never meant to complain here – most of my comments are simple observations of changes that take place. Yes, I get frustrated and perplexed at times. But I am incredibly happy and grateful to be going through this experience. I was surprised anyone could suspect me of not being happy and grateful for my pregnancy simply because I mentioned I miss sushi.

I started this blog after a year of TTC and getting the PCOS diagnosis. I was referred to a fertility clinic and had no idea how long and how successful my journey was going to be from that point on. I found this community, where I found support and answers to my numerous questions. And tried to support others.

I’ve wanted a baby for about 10 years now (in my first marriage, I didn’t have a baby because my ex just didn’t want them) – and I finally am pregnant, and hope to end up with a healthy baby in 6.5 months.

Trust me, I am extremely grateful. And, well… I honestly believed my success story might bring hope to other people. Other IF-to-pregnancy blogs definitely did help me.

In any case, I am sorry if I offended any of you in any way. I won’t participate in ICLW going forward and will keep my blog as it is – hopefully, a pregnancy blog from now on. And I would like to thank the ALI community through my – short – infertility treatments journey.

If you know that I follow your blog and don’t want me to – let me know.

Z.

Pregnant Art: 4 Weeks Pregnant

And another spread from my pregnancy artbook. I share them in a totally haphazard fashion, ain’t I?

This one is from when I was 4 weeks. From the time when my baby was the size of a poppy seed. And there are actual poppy seeds glued here!!

As always, images are clickable to be viewed in somewhat better resolution.

Poppy seeds:

This is a poppy seed. That’s how big my baby was at 4 weeks (or, rather, how small )

Things I Miss

So far, there aren’t many things I miss.

I still eat deli meats – if I am the one buying them in the store, checking their best before date. I won’t buy a sandwich, though.

I still drink coffee occasionally – maybe 2-3 cups a week, and most of the time I don’t even finish my cup. I read that 1 cup a day is totally normal.

I haven’t drank wine in a while, but I promised myself I won’t go crazy over this issue – if there is a party, I will have half a glass or so. Just make sure it’s not on empty stomach and it’s stretched over the evening.

So as it is, the only thing I really miss is sushi. Yeah, I still can have the grilled eel sushi, the crab ones, the vegetarian… But it’s not quite the same! If I were in Japan where you’re guaranteed to have fresh fish, I probably wouldn’t have stopped even eating sushi. But being deep inland in Toronto… I make piece eating my smoked salmon sandwiches (fresh baguette, butter, smoked salmon… mmmm…)

I still struggle with dairy consumption. I just can’t consume as much dairy as I am supposed to. I don’t like dairy. It is still a puzzle for me…