I was reading a blog entry today, where memories of going to a prenatal yoga class were shared – the joyous feeling of being pregnant – when I thought: why don’t I feel joyous?
I realized that I live in constant fear. It’s gnawing at me slowly from the insight. Just this night, I had a dream of an enormous bleeding “fountaining” out of me. I woke up immediately and, before even thinking, checked: all dry, all normal.
I was talking to my friend about being pregnant, and she interrupted me saying – oh, you guys probably feel so giddy and happy! And I paused mid-sentence – no, we don’t.
I can’t explain it – but my fears and worries are so intense, I still don’t let myself get too attached to the idea of being pregnant. Half of me still doesn’t believe this is happening – and that I am that far along.
I always imagined pregnancy as this quiet happy introspective period, when all your thoughts are focused on the miracle happening inside you.
I am happy, in a way – thanks to my hubby. He makes it very easy for me, he makes extra-sure not to upset me and not to bother me. He plays guitar and sings lullabies to my belly every night.
But I am making myself unhappy.
Sure, in part that’s because my best friend miscarried 4 times. Emotionally, I lived through her struggles. I am an emotional sponge like this, I always “live” through others’ experiences, taking them waaaay too close to heart. So when I realized I am having problems getting pregnant, too – I guess I immediately decided I just might follow her steps… And this fear never let me go.
I want to get rid of it. I want to shake it off strongly, inhale deeply, look at my belly and talk to it. And go shopping in the baby section. And start planning the nursery. And go crazy – letting the idea sink in: we ARE going to have a baby.
Yesterday, despite the fact we don’t have the nuchal u/s results, we decided it is time to start telling people. We started with the family. My mom cried. I was so touched.
And I hope that sharing pregnancy with the world will help me believe that I am pregnant and all is well. I hope that others – who don’t know of our struggles – just might help me feel more certain. Feel joyous.