Need Your Opinion

Need your opinion on this “pregnancy announcement” video I made. Our friends and family  are scattered across the globe in different time zones, so we were thinking how to best break the news. And thought of sending a video link – first to the closest family (e.g parents), then to further relatives and friends. I am not sure about facebook announcements, but that is unimportant at the moment.

Could you please watch the video and share your feedback? I still have the time to edit it.

PS I promise I won’t be posting 3 posts a day very often – sorry for over-messaging )

Things to Remember

On Friday, when I found out that I was pregnant, my husband came home in the evening, and we stood there, hugging, for a few minutes. And then he left for his karate class. And then he came back. Still empty-handed.

I was really disappointed. I always envisioned this day as a big one. With something to commemorate it.

My husband noticed that something was off with me, so I told him. He confessed that he’s too terrified to get too attached to the idea. He’s terrified of feeling too happy.

“But, you know, I can die tomorrow. Will that stop you from feeling happy about being with me?”

He offered to go and pick up a cake at a supermarket. It was 10 pm, so I said no. Then he went to the little 24/7 store across the street. I stayed and decided to light up some candles. He came back with fruits and chocolates. And flowers He washed and cut all of them on his own. He poured himself a glass of white wine, and I poured some cold chamomile tea in mine

And then we sat there, in flickering candlelight, eating watermelon, melon, strawberries, black cherries, apricots and my favourite round Lindt chocolates. We toasted to this miracle. And we felt utterly happy about the growing Poppy Seed.

Fingers Crossed

So my betas went from 63 on Friday to 230 today. Everything seems to be normal.

The light shade of brown is still there, as well as slight cramps (but they might be the cramps from progesterone beacuse as opposed to constipation it gives me diarrhea).

And it’s a loooong wait from here – my ultrasound is 2 weeks away on the 13th. We will both go, me and my hubby.

I feel scared for my little poppy seed to stay unmonitored for so long. I am worried not to get any news for so long.

Well, I guess I’ll have to learn not to! Once I start my new job on the 6th of June, I guess my brain will be a bit more distracted from constant thinking about my poppy seed. Which is scheduled to be is big as a sesame seed this week!

Light Shade of Brown

Light shade of brown on the toilet paper.

Worried.

What if it’s chemical pregnancy? After all, today is CD29… my last cycle was 31 days (my luteal phase was 16-17 days long). Could it be because I’ve been taking less progesterone (they told me to take 200 mg instead of 400 mg in the evenings until I get more supply on Monday).

Please, please, please let it be nothing…

Why Am I Being Ridiculous?

So I was thinking to myself, why am I being so ridiculous? Yes, I am pregnant. Like millions, billions of women were before me. And those women went on with hard manual labour, carrying heavy stuff (their older kids, for example!), some even working in inhuman conditions.

For centuries, there was no distilled water. Water was mostly contaminated and drinking beers and wines was much safer than just water. So alcohol consumption was really big.

And they all did it!

So why do I feel the way I do? Overly anxious and worried and uncertain?

Today, it hit me.

I know lots of people who just got pregnant. Pretty much like “you wanna have a baby? let me see… oh, I am ovulating tomorrow, let’s get on with it” – and then BAM! – they report they’re pregnant 2 weeks later. I am serious, this is a real story.

And then I have a few friends that are fighting infertility, multiple miscarriages, unsuccessful IVFs, stillbirths and so on.

I DON’T KNOW ANYONE WITH AN INFERTILITY PROBLEM WHO GAVE BIRTH!

So all I know from my immediate surrounding is that either you’re perfectly healthy and get pregnant fast and easy on your own, or you do have a problem and all you see is follicles not growing, body not responding, ovulation not happening, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, disappearing heartbeats… And no success stories. For years and years.

I really want to be the one to break through this IF muck – and hopefully start the lucky strike for my friends.

But right now these stats are taking their toll on me. I’m afraid it will be like them. Something going wrong as opposed to me greeting a perfectly healthy baby in early February next year…

My Thoughts are All Confused Ever Since The…

…”congratulations, you’re pregnant!”

I spent some time jotting those down as the day progressed… I am sure I will have fun reading these later. Maybe years later.

Thoughts passing through my head:

• I cannot believe this
• Is there really a baby in there?
• It’s as big as a poppy seed now!
• It’s heart will start beating next week!
• What a perfect timing with yesterday’s job offer! I’ll save some money AND accumulate enough hours to collect maternity leave money from the government!
• Well, I won’t be going to graphic design school this fall. Their program goes until e/o Feb or early March – it looks like my due date is Feb. 5^th (according to an online calculator… and since I know my ovulation date precisely, it’s quite accurate)
• I wonder why there’s no morning sickness. I heard women with no morning sickness are at higher risk of miscarriage
• So those early morning freaking urges to pee WERE a sign of pregnancy!
• And I also thought I noticed my areolas darkening… browning a bit
• Well, the growing boobs are all because of the progesterone suppositories… but they aren’t tender or anything. But then they never were even with my periods.
• What if they’re wrong? It wasn’t the regular nurse taking blood today, but a replacement. What if she mixed up the vials? What if she ran the test wrong?
• I am terrified that something might go wrong
• I wanna share these news with the whole world – but I can’t, not until the first trimester is over. I shared with ALL of you (which is a pretty damn close substitution for “telling everyone”) – and my closest friends.
•  I am so glad my new job is part time. I hope everything will be fine there (e.g. I won’t get fired or something… it’s a contract until e/o December, so I hope everything’ll be fine)
• I should start saving money for my mat leave
• I worry that I was overly active this morning (to prevent myself from staring at the phone, a prepared a long todo list and got working on it: loaded the dishwasher, cleaned both bathrooms (and I HATE cleaning bathtubs, it gives me back aches), cleaned all the winter shoes to be put away, stored away winter clothes, brought down my summer shoes, cooked vanilla-rosemary chicken…
• Will I be even able to wear all those funky summer shoes? Almost everything I posses is high-heeled and generally highly uncomfortable
•  I hope I won’t be too morning-sick. I don’t want my new boss finding out about my pregnancy too early on
• I have no clue what the next steps are. I am so used to seeing docs and nurses all the time, and from what I heard now there will be prolonged periods of time with no communication. That’s scary!
• I have to start drinking more water. And peeing more *sigh*. I really don’t drink enough. Not even close.
• I am so glad I passed on those martinis yesterday and those sushi on Monday (I went for BBQ eel sushi instead).
• I wonder if that’s pregnancy that makes me bruise even easier than ever now. My legs make me look like a home abuse victim.
• I am going to be a mom? There will be a baby? There is ALREADY a baby inside me? Half me, half my hubby? That’s a MIRACLE. True miracle.
• I’ll have to become a Costco member… diapers there are best priced!
• My parents-in-law will be visiting us in 3 weeks… should we tell’em?
• How do people dress to hide pregnancy? I am pretty slim.
• I will be working for an alcohol company – how will I be explaining my non-drinking (until I finally break the news)?
• A bit disappointed my hubby didn’t bring anything – flowers or something. Came home and went out for his karate class (after a couple of minutes of tender hugs and nervous laughs)
• What is this pain on the left side? Is this ECTOPIC?
• No, no pain… not anymore… gas now…
• Some pains again… on the left… that’s where the follicle was…
• My hubby came home and I expressed how I feel. He’s out now (it’s past 10 pm) buying something to celebrate a bit. I am putting on candles.

That’s all for today…

OH… MY… GOD!!!

i called the clinic… they said: Congratulations, you’re pregnant!

WHAT?!

I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t process the news. My eyes filled up with tears, I started laughing uncontrollably. She was saying something, asking something – I could take in a single word.

Oh. The progesterone. I have only 5 pills left.

She told me to take only one in the evenings instead of two and come back on Monday for more progesterone – and for the blood test.

I called my hubby, sobbing and laughing, telling him the news. His only response was neurotic uncontrollable laughter for a few minutes. Then we hectically talked about. Discussed who we’re gonna tell right away.

We both cannot process what just happened. We do not understand.

And now I am scared as hell – there are still so many things that can go wrong – the ectopics, the miscarriages, the disappearing heartbeats…

And I spent an hour today cleaning the bathrooms, enhaling the chemicals. Surely this is NOT good for the baby? And I was running up and down, tugging boxes with winter shoes and clothes to the closets upstairs, dragging summer shoes downstairs. Surely all that heavy lifting is NOT good for the baby (I have over a dozen of summer shoes)?

I am scared.

Baby… really? REALLY? a baby???? Pinch me… Tell me everything’ll be all right…