Fears, Nothing More But Fears…

Timothy is a very serious baby. Most of the time he has a bit of a frown on his face, studying the world around him intently. His eyes are alert and intelligent – which makes up for lack of smiles, in my mind. Somehow I always feel sad when I see babies with carefree “less intelligent” eyes, so to speak. And when those smiles come – they are to die for! But then I fear that there might be something wrong with his eyesight. He often keeps one eye closed. And he often appears cross-eyed.

When Timothy cries, he looks like an angry dwarf, it’s so funny He gets all red and wrinkly. I can’t help laughing at him – as long as I know the reason for his crying is light, of course. When he cries because he struggles to poop, I don’t find that funny. I hold him close and try to soothe him. I understand that c-section babies struggle a bit more with digestion problems: babies are supposed to get some bacteria as they pass through birth canal. If they by-pass the birth canal through a c-section, they don’t get those bacteria. Sometimes his bowel movements are really painful. And he poops about 5 times a day (fun, eh?) so there’s a lot of soothing going on.

I still have an occasional episode of suspecting that he doesn’t like me. Perhaps because he’s so serious. It saddens me. I sort of know it’s bullshit, but still… I fear he doesn’t like me. Or that I am not spending enough time with him.

I try to keep him at each breast for at least 15 minutes: I don’t know how to otherwise ensure he gets to the hind fatty milk. So with a change of diapers before each feeding and some burping here and there, our breastfeeding sessions can last up to an hour. Knowing that the next one is 1-2 hours away (except at night) I try to get him in the bouncer as soon as possible to either eat, or drink, or just relax a bit with a book. Although he sits and studies the world around him quite contently, I feel pangs of guilt. Should I be spending more time with him? But then I don’t want him to be too dependent on me. I want him to be able to entertain himself and just generally be on his own. I am terrified of stories of babies that won’t sleep alone, won’t stay alone, won’t play alone. I do play with him a bit here and there: rattles, talking, singing… but I need some time not spent with him. And I feel guilty about it.

He started spitting out the milk. He almost never did this before – even burps were light and occasional. Does that mean he eats too much now (meaning I have plenty of milk, finally) and gets rid of the extra milk he gulped? Or perhaps he is not getting enough milk because he spits it out? Yeah, I still worry I don’t have enough. Every time I start feeding him, I look at the clock and count for how many minutes he actively gulps on each breast. Anything over 5 minutes of non-stop swallowing makes my heart sing. But I always listen and worry that the gulping will stop too early and I will discover I don’t have enough…

I don’t find myself too preoccupied with worrying that he’ll choke on his spit-up or that he’ll stop breathing – nevertheless, every now and then I check: is he still breathing? Especially when I put him to sleep at night and he falls asleep right away: usually he goes through a couple of times of spitting out the pacifier and whining about it before he drifts away. I wonder at what age they learn to shove the paci back on their own…

And the most ridiculous fear: I am not a palm reader, but his life line is awfully short. It freaks me out. I worry. Did I spend too much time with my laptop while pregnant? Should I stop browsing on my mobile while I breastfeed?

So you see, there are still lots of fears… They do not end once the baby is born. They just become different fears…

34 Weeks – and Merry Christmas

34 weeks today.

Life is getting harder. Well, heavier. Getting up from the couch is hard, I have to push myself with my arms – or use my hubby’s help. Getting up from bed is even harder. Rolling onto another side is often easier with standing up on all fours then with actual rolling through lying on the back for a second. Getting up the stairs is a chore. Eating leaves me most of the time with an overstuffed feeling – especially on days like today.

Oh yes – Merry Christmas, by the way

Got a very nice xmas present from a friend today – a templated baby’s first year book. It has pages like “the first time you walked was…” or “the first time you ate solids…” – and empty spaces for photos. Very cute.

My hubby got me (among other gifts) a small knitting kit to knit baby booties. Although the instructions turned out to be far more complicated than expected (he assumed it was a beginner’s set – and I haven’t held knitting needles since I was about 13 or so).

Funny. Our baby isn’t even born yet, but he\s already – sort of – getting presents

How fun the next xmas is going to be! He’ll be quite big by the time. Definitely crawling – maybe even walking! Just imagine!

I roasted a chicken today for the first in my life! Not turkey – since there were only 4 meat-eaters among us. I stuffed it with apples and sewed it tightly closed using my curved needle – the one I used to re-upholster the glider It turned out quite good. I am proud of myself.

I got briefly scared today. Baby was doing some weird twitching and then abruptly went very still. I got this fear that he died in there – I don’t know why. And I massaged my belly, and pressed on his little bum, and tried to find his feet and press – but he remained quiet. I was having an internal fight: to freak out and go to the hospital immediately – or to be rational and stay put. The baby started moving again and all is well. I have no idea why I freaked out all of a sudden…

My mom thinks that I will go in labour earlier than I am supposed to – because of the size of the baby. Well, many people seem to think that. But I haven’t heard of anyone going in labour early because of the size issues. Only having c-sections because of the size issues.

Anyway.

Yesterday was a big laundry day. I washed all baby clothes, towels, bed sheets, etc. I also sorted all the other clothes that we got as gifts or hand-me-downs for older ages and labeled the boxes and put them away. Got my baby cooshie changer today (my friend bought it for me – the store was around the corner from where she lives).

Need to wash hand-me-down toys (most of them cannot be machine-washed, so I’ll have o spend some time wiping them with soap and water). I also need to finally make the decision and choose and order fabrics for the nursery curtains. The crib should arrive in early January.

We are getting closer and closer and closer.

50 Days to Go – Yikes!

Yikes! Only 50 days! *looking at the long to-do and to-buy lists*

I am starting to worry. Not about the pains of labour, though. Two things worry me the most: will the baby be healthy? Will he be okay? Won’t he have any mental or physical illnesses?

Another thing that worries me – to a much lesser extent – is after-labour pains, discomforts, etc.

Somehow the labour itself still doesn’t quite captivate my attention, imagination and fears. I see it as “well, there will be a very painful day, but it’ll be just one day, I can live through that”.

While the past-labour bloody discharge, the burning of peeing, the pains of stitches (perineal or c-section), the engorgement, etc. – that’s what worries me. Will I be strong or will I break down into hysterics and tears and self-pitying?

Pre-labour worries me less, but there are questions. Like whether I should start placing a waterproof pad in bed – just in case my water breaks down in the middle of the night? I want to protect the mattress

I also wonder if no Braxton-Hicks means anything? Aren’t they supposed to “train” your uterus for the real labour? And why doesn’t my uterus exercise? Is it a sign that I won’t go in labour just like my sis – who didn’t have contractions even after the administration of oxytocin?

In short, I am starting to worry as it gets closer…

Prenatal Class #4

We had another prenatal class yesterday – this one focused on labour with intervention, ranging from epidural, to induction, to c-section.

I have to say, it was disturbing.

Epidural looks scary. As opposed to the natural labour we watched on a tape last week, here the woman had an IV drip, all sorts of monitors, and even a catheter (ew) – and she was strapped to the bed as she couldn’t walk any longer. And the epidural itself didn’t look like picnic either – the needle and all. To be fair, the instructor told us that compared to contractions you’re experiencing, epidural is really piece of cake. So it shouldn’t be all that frightening when we get there.

The c-section, on the opposite, sounded quite good. Sounds like it all happens in a pretty jovial atmosphere, it’s not harsh lights of an open heart surgery – although it still holds all the risks of a major surgery. Did you know the c-section lasts an hour, but the baby is born within the first 7 minutes? It’s the stitching back that takes really long. And in case of a c-section, they usually give the baby to the dad for the skin-to-skin contact that is so important. And c-section babies have more mucous after they’re born (naturally delivered babies get most of mucous squeezed out of them as they pass through the birth canal).

Induction, apparently, while speeding up the process – makes it more painful. Or, actually, no one really knows – they say that maybe it’s just that with normal labour the build-up of pain is more gradual – while with induction it’s like – BAM! – and you’re in hard-core active labout contractions.

I spoke to my sister about this class today and got concerned. I knew that her first baby was a c-section, but never thought to ask what went wrong there (I was 12 when my nephew was born, see). It turns out her water broke, but she never got contractions. Even after induction. So after 12 hours they had to perform the c-section.

And my mom had problems with both of us with insufficient labour activity – she did deliver us both vaginally, but vacuums and forceps needed to be used. her contractions weren’t powerful enough, either.

I wonder if this is genetic? Something to discuss with my OB next time I see her. My PCOS already muddled my brain enough for it to not even consider sending ovulation signals to my body – what if it fails when it is time to onset contractions? It won’t be the end of the world – but I have to be prepared that I might need intervention. And that my recovery will be longer than average.

Lots of things to consider…

Worried

Raised by shirt to show off my belly button starting to get inverted inside out (to my hubby) only to discover my whole belly cover in some splotchy rash. Worried!!!

We checked my whole body – no rash anywhere else.

Googled – all belly rashes described are supposed to be itchy. And raised. And even blister-looking.

I have two candidates: food allergy (I was stupid enough to have gorgonzola pizza today… yeah, with “penicillin”… Or it could be clogged pores (I covered my belly with vaseline 2 days ago and haven’t washed it off with soap since – just showered, without the sponge).

Took a shower, rubbed my belly, sitting with my belly exposed to air. Looks like the splotches are getting lighter. So maybe it’s nothing, after all… I hope it’s nothing.

If it doesn’t go away by morning, I am off to ER.

24 Weeks

24weeks. No matter which source to turn to, we’ve reached viability. Chances are very slim, but they’re there. Baby will mostly be putting on fat now – all the organs and systems, as far as I understand are in place now. He’s practicing breathing and is getting fatter to keep himself warm once he arrives in this world. Amazing.

Baby is very active, moving along. At times I feel like he’s somersaults in there, sometimes it feels like he’s feeling his way around (as if trying to find a loose brick in his imprisonment cell, looking for an escape route, lol), sometimes it feels like stretching, sometimes – well, just kicking

It never hurts me, but sometimes he hits some nerve and makes me start. And even makes me jump a little in surprise

He is very active in the mornings when I wake up. If I stay in bed for a while, he’ll keep swimming around, letting me and my hubby feel his moves.

I talk to him. Tell him how much we both love him. Let him get used to his name, to my voice, my intonations of love and care. I often sing in the shower – for the baby. I rarely used to sing before.

Funny thing: at some point after getting past the midmark (20 weeks), weeks became less important – I am measuring more in months now. As in “I am 5.5 months pregnant”. As in “3.5 months to go”. I now sometimes get a little lost in weeks. Especially since online sources tell you what happens at 24 weeks – while my book talks about what happens during the 25th week. Which is confusing.

So if in the beginning it was all about day of the cycle, and after the BFP it was still weeks AND days (as in 10w5d), and then more like 15 weeks and a half – now I am measuring in months.

Next milestones I am looking forward to: having less than 100 days to go (hitting the double-digits) and crossing over the trimester #3 (28 weeks, I think?)

All in all, all is well. I have never been happier – on all fronts of my life. I sometimes feel scared – it’s too good. I am scared something bad’s gonna happen. But I waive these thoughts away. I brush them under the carpet. If something bad will happen – I’ll deal with that then. Now – I need to enjoy. Bask in my happiness.

Heart Flutters

I am concerned. Ever since I got back from vacation, I feel weird heart flutters.

At times, all of a sudden, it feels like it would beat much harder. It almost feels like it beats against my ribs – just a few times, but enough to scare me.

Other times, it feels like it beats irregularly. Skips a beat, then beats too hard…

And I’ve had flutters and skips like this in the past. Last summer it was so bad they attached a heart monitor on me for 2  days. And did an ECG and a heart ultrasound. And didn’t find anything – although I suffered terrible heart beats and felt like I stop breathing while wearing the monitor. But that was when I still had my high-stress consulting job. So we all agreed those were panic attacks (I resigned immediately).

It hardly could be a panic attack now – I have nothing to panic about right now. Nothing.

I am seeing my ob-gyn tomorrow – let’s see what she thinks. I am worried for the baby.

UPD: asked other ladies on the baby center forum – sounds like it’s normal. And quite common: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a29786163/heart_flutters?cpg=-1#c2361415441

Squashed Belly Scare

Woke up in the middle of the night today and found myself sleeping… on my belly. I got so scared that I might have squashed my baby that I spent the next 5 minutes pinching and punching my belly to get an “I am okay!” kick. Finally the baby showed signs of life and then it was him not letting me sleep, kicking

This is starting to be an issue. Had to take subway in rush hour this week – was so worried someone might accidentally push me or kick me in the belly. I walked around protectively holding my belly with my hands. Hoping people would notice I am pregnant even in their rush to work and would behave. And they did. *Exhale.*

Yesterday I lost my balance. I squatted to detach a hoover from the wall and all of a sudden fell on my butt. I got so used to the idea that my centre of gravity moved to the front – with the boobs and belly – that I didn’t expect to experience the opposite effect while squatting. I actually laughed – even though I was alone at home

Ob-gyn Appointment #2 – 19w2d

Had my monthly ob-gyn appointment yesterday. Something happened there – I had to wait for 1.5 hours past my appointment time. There were so many women that a few were standing and sitting on the floor in the corridor, including me. Sitting on the floor while pregnant isn’t very convenient, as I found out. My legs fell asleep and my lower back started to ache.

The appointment itself went really well. I didn’t feel rushed, she answered all of my questions (that I brought all written out).

My nuchal results are back. The results are 1 in 2,000 and 1 in 15,000. Can’t remember which which (I think one is based on ultrasound, the other based on the blood test? Not sure. The results are really good, regardless. My colleagues wife just had her result as 1 in 69 – so she had to do amnio, which came back negative, thank god!)

She approved of our babymoon plans, recommended sticking with bottled water, being careful with fruits and vegetables that they wash in tap water (eat them whole, after they properly dry up), and choose sea over swimming pool (where people sit, drink cocktails, and pee).

She gave me suggestion for some constipation relief, reassured me that my breasts are fine (I was getting worried that one of the nipples doesn’t seem to have a “hole” like the other – and it doesn’t produce any white stuff like the other one started to do a few weeks ago).

The heartbeat was fast and strong.

And she said she thinks it’s a girl

Streetcar Seat, Dull Pains, Restless Sleep

Another first! A nice guy gave up his seat for me today on the streetcar!

Granted, I was wearing a floaty top and my lunch was in a “thyme maternity” bag – so he probably didn’t doubt much that I am, in fact, pregnant and not just fat.

Still – it was so, sooooo nice to be acknowledged in this way

I now know for sure: my baby LOVES riding the streetcar. I guess it likes the rattling vibrations of it. It always starts kicking in the streetcar. As it does after each meal. So funny.

I got some dull pains on each side of my uterus. Nothing too bad, but I’ll ask my ob-gyn on Monday what these are. While I was still going through the bi-weekly ultrasounds at the fertility clinic, they said that all of my cysts from PCOS were gone – but I wanna make sure they’re gone. And that it’s not them producing the dull pain. Because it sort of hurts where the ovaries are supposed to be. Although I have no idea, truly, where they are right now with my womb bigger than a cantaloup.

For some reason I am waking up really tired lately. My body hurts. My shoulders, my thighs, my hips… I guess sticking to sleeping on the side doesn’t go all that great. And my arm is falling asleep (whichever happens to be under me while I sleep o he side). Oh well. What can you do. 5 more months and I will sleep in whichever position I want. For, like, 40 minutes at a time, ha-ha.

These are the days of our pregnant lives