For the past two days, my son is entertaining himself by kicking my cervix. I can tell. The cervix is the part that gets the contractions during orgasm. And that’s exactly the spot where I feel the kicks.
Alternatively, he kicks my colon.
He is still small enough to make me feel this is cute and smile – but I am starting to wonder what it will feel like when he gets bigger.
It is so bizarre to refer to him like that.
My mom looked up the Chinese horoscope. You know how in Chinese horoscope each year has a sign, but then the year end is not Dec. 31st but is a floating date in Jan-Feb? Since our baby will be born on Feb. 5, give or take a week, I needed to know when the Chinese year starts in 2012 and what our baby will be. It turns out that next year the Chinese year will start on Jan. 23 – so we can be pretty sure our son will born in the new Chinese year and will be a Dragon. And an Aquarius, of course.
I keep looking at the sonogram pic. And my heart flutters – this is my baby! My son! He’s not even born yet, and I already love him so much, it’s weird.
But here I need to make a stupid confession. I am ashamed, but I need to share.
I always wanted a boy. But a boy as well as a girl. My husband’s family seems to produce boys almost exclusively (like 95% of kids are boys), so now I simply fear that all of our children will be boys. If the first one were a girl, I wouldn’t worry about the following pregnancies. I would’ve been certain we’ll get a boy. But I am pregnant with a boy now – so I worry that we will never get a daughter.
So stupid that I even think about it when there are thousands of women fighting for a chance to have a baby, one baby, any baby.
But there I am. And getting a few “disappointed’ responds from hubby’s family (they clearly hoped there finally will be a girl) did not help.
Regardless… I love this baby. I love my baby boy. But I know next time I get pregnant, I will be soooo focused on getting a girl. And I am afraid to think what I will feel if the next one will be a boy, too. And I think I won’t have the courage to try for the third baby in that case…