Au’revoir, Progesterone! (TMI)

Yesterday, finally, was my last progesterone day. I was on it since right after the ovulation, at 2 weeks, until yesterday – 14w3d. A bit over 12 weeks in total.

Overall, it wasn’t too too bad. I got sort of used to it. Sort of.

First off, I got sooo itchy when I started taking it! Itchy and even passed a bright red blood clot, albeit a small one. Which is still unexplained – was it the implantation bleeding (but that isn’t supposed to be bright red?..) or the results of a yeast infection it supposedly gave me? I switched to taking the suppositories rectally and – no more itching, no more blood clots. Baby – BFP!

Then the days of taking the suppositories began. 1 in the morning, 2 in the evening, 200 mg each – 600mg per day in total. I don’t know anybody else who was given that much progesterone.

The cost was pretty high, but my insurance picked up 80% of those. Phew.

The suppositories messed up by intestines pretty bad. Most women get badly constipated. Not me. I was suffering from diarrhea bouts and insane urges to go to the washroom within an hour after shoving suppositories up my ass. So I had to wake up 30 minutes earlier than needed to ensure the urge catches me still at home – and not in the middle of my commute to work.

But taking them rectally protected my underwear – there are no leaks whatsoever!

They also made me bloat real bad. I have a 9w photo – my belly is bigger there even than it is now – at 14w3d! Those were really painful. Like someone opening my intestines with a knife. Slowly.

It made the logistics of having sex, going camping, and other things a bit more complicated.

But, of course, I do not regret any second of it. I got my baby out of this experience – and I kept my baby. It’s there, it’s growing – and I am getting more and more excited with every passing day. If I had to, I’d take it the whole duration of the pregnancy.

But of course – being finally off progesterone – it’ll be a bit easier to be excited and happy

Telling at Work And Other Pregnancy Miscellanea

While I told my boss I am pregnant, I am not quite sure how to break the news to others at work.

Funny thing: my male colleague and I had a conversation maybe 2 weeks ago: I asked him whether they’re planning on having kids (he told me that they just got married last year). He answered in such an evasive way that I immediately grew suspicious. Especially since he asked me the same question and I heard the same evasiveness in my answer. It turns out his wife is pregnant – she’s less than 2 weeks behind me. Funny

But I still don’t know how to tell everyone. I am new there, so don’t have ‘close friends’. And I don’t feel like announcing at the lunch table. Maybe I’ll just wait until they notice? My belly is getting more noticeable every day. Which reminds me: I should take a picture of myself!

And someone already asked me at a party last night whether I drink alcohol. They’re bound to find out in any case.

On a separate note, I am down to 1 progesterone suppository a day. There used to be three, then 2 – and now one! Next week I’ll wave bye-bye to progesterone.

However, with the lowered dosage, I started getting constipated. Which isn’t fun at all. Want some TMI? Really gross? When I do poo, my poo comes out flat, not round. I am guessing my womb is resting on my intestines – or colon. My guess is based, in part, on the fact that my womb was tipped backwards to begin with.

And I my headaches get more and more frequent. My eyes get irritated by the sun so much that if I need to go out for an extended period, I HAVE to wear sunglasses AND baseball cap. I often wake up with headaches and they last all day until I go to bed. I had three days like this in the past week. My book says it’s part of being pregnant. Sigh.

Round ligament pains presented themselves today after 3 weeks of absence. Bad timing – we’re having a tango lesson today.

I think these are all the recent developments.

Oh, I also noticed today that since the bi-weekly ultrasounds stopped, I became less obsessive, less aware of the week and day of my pregnancy – and even have no idea how big my baby is supposed to be – in centimeters or inches. I only know that my baby is the size of a medium shrimp. Do you know what size of a shrimp is medium?..

Nuchal… telling at work… progesterone… general worries…

Why, why can’t I just relaxed? The whole ride home in the streetcar, I felt all wet between my legs and was freaking out that I am miscarrying. Not only wasn’t there any blood upon arrival home – my underwear wasn’t even wet!

My nuchal u/s is tomorrow. I pray to god there won’t be delays! Last time I had to drink for my u/s a few years back, I almost peed my pants – and there even wasn’t any line! But, of course, what I really pray for – is healthy baby. And I still don’t know whether I will find out the results on the spot or not. I posted a question on the baby centre yesterday (the Canadian one) and it seems like it was different for everyone. In some cases the results went back to ob-gyn – and they had to find out the results there. Since I am in-between fertility clinic and ob-gyn (whom I haven’t met yet) – I am not even sure where would the results go!

I am 12 and a half weeks. I was sitting in meetings today – my big boss from the head office was visiting. I really like him, he has a big vision and he’s really making things happen – and he gets involved. And I felt real bad every time he was passionately talking how “we” will do this and that next year… Once I have my nuchal results, I’ll have to tell at work. It sucks, I feel like such a traitor – they just hired me 2 months ago!

And I am just so ridiculously scared of sharing the pregnancy news with everyone. I feel like sharing it will jinx my pregnancy. Stupid, I know – nevertheless, that worries me…

On a somewhat positive note, today is the last day I am taking 3 progesterone suppositories a day. For the next week my dose goes down to 2 suppositories a day (or 400 ml or mg… not sure). The following week it will be one a day, and then – c’est tout (fr.) I’ll  keep the two evening ones and discontinue the morning pill. I am tired of being worried during my commute that I might urgently need to use a bathroom.

Ultrasound #3

Today we had our 3rd ultrasound – and said good-bye to our fertility clinic.

The baby was sooooo active today! She (the u/s tech) was showing it to me on the screen and it all of a sudden flipped! She said he sneezed, LOL – she actually saw how his fingers fanned He moved a lot, wiggled all the time. So cute. I saw the spine core, the heart (beating at 160) – and she said it looks like it’s a boy! Of course, it’s still very early, but she showed us something between his legs that looked like the turtle tale Well, it looked like it to her = we didn’t really see what she saw

I still haven’t heard the heartbeat. Their u/s machines’ sound isn’t working.

The baby measured at 10w (3 cm 6 mm) – while I am 10w3d, so I am a bit concerned.

Major disappointment: I thought I will be off progesterone in 1.5 weeks, but no. First of all, it’s until 12 weeks according to baby measures – and since the baby measures at 10 weeks and not 10w3d, I am still to take 3 pills a day for 14 more days. THEN for ANOTHER week – 2 pills a day. And THEN FOR ANOTHER WEEK  – 1 pill a day. Jeez. 4 more weeks of this! And it means I will still be shoving those up my ass when we’re camping in 3 weeks :/

I have my first Ob/Gyn appointment on Aug. 15.

They also are setting an appointment for the nuchal u/s in week 12 – to check for down syndrome. But that will be in a hospital. We’re done with the clinic. They wished me luck and asked to bring and show them the baby once it’s born

I don’t have ANY idea what to expect from the ob-gyn appointment and what happens after than 0 how often will we be seeing the doc, how often will there be tests, ultrasounds, etc.

And I probably should start looking into prenatal courses, labour plans, car seats, strollers… A whole world I know nothing of. While all I want to do is sleep…

I’m Back (or How I Got Scared)

What I hate about trips is that you have to eat at the restaurants and I always get this vitamin hunger – there just aren’t enough fruits and vegetables in the restaurants! They insist on shoving breads and meats and potatoes in everything. And even if you order a salad, it’s primarily various stupid plants (what am I, a goat? a cow?), while I am looking for meaty tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumbers… real vegetables. And I couldn’t order fruit salads as they primarily consist of melons and strawberries – which I have to stay away from.

I bought myself a big orange one of the nights, and had a mango-orange smoothie yesterday, but I still feel vitamin-deprived.

Another thing that didn’t go all that well was my walking for too long with a suitcase in tow around Chicago. Sightseeing. At first I took a couple of boat tours, and then decided to walk. And all was fine until it was time to go to the airport. Right at the subway tourniquets, as I straightened myself after pulling money from my purse, I got muscle spasms on both sides of my lower belly. Real bad. I got SOOOO scared, I thought I might be miscarrying. In a foreign country. With no travel insurance. Forget all that – I thought I was miscarrying, period.

But then I had enough presence of mind to remember that I get such pains now whenever I walk for too long (for over 1-1.5 hours) straight. I bet it’s the muscles that are moving aside, making way for the growing uterus. But it hurt so badly!

I dragged my suitcase down to the platform and, thankfully, there was a seat on the train and the ride was long enough. It got a bit better.

I shoved the progesterone pills just before the flight – I figured they a) are meant to keep the baby inside me and b) are producing ‘relaxin’ so I was hoping those muscles will relax and stop aching.

I am still not completely well this morning and am a bit worried about the upcoming u/s on Wednesday. But the pain is on the sides. Not where the uterus is. So I hope everything’s fine. I am not googling.

Glad to be back with all of you – I missed you all (and now I need to go eat a dozen mandarins).

Time is Relative

“Only 3 more weeks until I am off progesterone” – that’s what I said yesterday and, all of a sudden, realized that my time perspective is changing.

Only recently, I was living from one cycle day to another. Only recently, the two-week-wait was unbearably long. Only recently, the 2 weeks from one ultrasound to another felt like an eternity.

And, all of a sudden, at 9 weeks I am starting to feel a bit more sure. A bit less worried about the upcoming u/s next week on Wednesday (1.5 weeks away!!!). A bit less impatient for the second trimester to start, to be off progesterone – and to reveal the secret of our pregnancy to the world. Now it’s “only” 3 weeks away. I can wait.

I started thinking of the nursery. I got a looking-after-a-newborn book from my friend. I am imagining our life with the baby, feeling a bit sad it will be the coldest month of the year – February.

I am still scared that something still might get wrong. But it feels now more like “anything can go wrong anytime” – like a brick can fall on my head and kill me, I can’t protect myself against that. I don’t feel a heightened risk of the early weeks anymore. Perhaps, wrongfully so – but that’s how I feel. And I think I am thankful for feeling such inner peace.

Oh, and the bloat was almost absent over these past 2-3 days. Maybe, for good? I sure hope so Anyway… 3 more weeks until we move into the next stage

9 Weeks (or Camping When on Progesterone)

We’re 9 weeks today! Apparently, we’re a whole inch long, and we have earlobes and teeth are starting to form – how cute!

We took our little embryo camping this weekend. Some burgers, camp fires, dipping in very cold St. Lawrence waters (no swimming seemed possible – dipping was all I could handle, so cold it was).

Let me tell you, progesterone is no fun when camping. The logistics are just horrible. The washroom is a few minutes away from your site, and when you wake up in the middle of the night to pee – you wake to also get rid of all the progesterone clogging your… uhm… @ss-hole. Well, what can I say? I had to find a spot in the bushes and arm myself with wet wipes. And then hand-sanitizer. Urgh. There was NO WAY I could carry all that pee and progesterone (or wax) all the way to the washroom in the middle of the night. And I did not enjoy behaving like a savage.

And then I was worried the smells might attract some wild life and I was lying there listening to some creatures walking around our tent (raccoons, I guess).

I am glad that by our next camping (a month away) I will be off progesterone. Can hardly wait! 3 weeks to go!

A Typical Day at 7+ Weeks Pregnancy

6:30 am – alarm goes off, I promptly get my ass out of bed, shove a progesterone suppository up my ass, swallow a vitamin, get back to bed, all in a 3-minute time. Usually, I fall asleep.

7:00 am – alarm goes off. Press snooze. And snooze. And snooze. Finally, I drag myself to the washroom. I am tired. I am sleepy. I promise myself I will go to bed earlier today. I am so bloated that going to the washroom as an excruciating embarrassment, the sounds I am making! DH is good about never commenting on it.

7:30 am – wondering what the hell should I wear to conceal my bloated bump. After dressing, spend some time in front of the mirror, changing poses, straightening shoulders and sticking out my significantly enlarged boobs in attempt to make the bump look smaller (relative to boobs) or vanish. No such luck.

8:00 am – I leave for work. Once again, I worry over not having nausea. I secretly squeeze my breasts while in streetcar, making sure they’re still sore. Making sure I’m still pregnant. Although that might be all progesterone’s work.

9:00 am – I start my work day. Unbelievably tired. I now drink sweetened tea – I can’t stand the taste of unsweetened green tea anymore, for some reason. I sadly count the resulting increase in calorie intake.

10 am – I already am hungry. Again. Oatmeal in a cup time. But I am not tired and sleepy, finally! Every now and then I secretly stroke my belly and talk to my blueberry in my head.

12 pm - lunch is getting bigger every week. Or else I get hungry like an hour later.

3 pm – my head gets heavy, there is budding headache building up, I am exhausted. It feels like it is 3 am, not 3 pm. My real work day is 10 am – 3 pm, minus lunch. All other time I struggle with exhaustion. Sometimes I wanna cry – so tired I feel. Looking at computer screen is pure torture, my eyes hurt, my brain pulses. I have to time my washroom visits so that there’s no one there to overhear the cacophony I produce.

5 pm – headache settled in, I throw myself into a streetcar, head home, and spend a couple of hours planted on a couch, reading blogs, emails, and forums. I am incapable to do anything at all. Let the dishes pile up, let the laundry accumulate to Himalaya mountains proportions… I couldn’t care less.

7:30 pm – headache lifts off, feel more energetic and serene. I have dinner, light dinner. I plan my evening water intake so as not to have to wake up in the middle of the night to go pee. DH comes home, kisses belly, talks to it a bit.

10 pm – double-progesterone, vitamin, get in bed, read. Rub my belly, think of my blueberry, talk to it in my head.

11 pm – lights off. The tossing and turning begins. My boobs are sore, my stomach is bloated, various muscles and bones are sore, I am generally uncomfortable. Often I have to get up and use the washroom – that’s progesterone at work for you. Night time lullaby for DH’s ears *sigh*

4:30 am – no matter what I do, I still usually wake up to pee. So annoying. Another toss’n'turn session ensues.

6:30 am – repetition of the previous day…

My Blueberry

Still overbloated. Trying to use my enlarged boobs as a cover up – walk around sticking them out to let the dress hang over the belly. It still is noticeable. It couldn’t be the bump, not at 7w 1d. But I don’t feel constipated. Nothing hurts, no internal pressures…

Still no nausea. Still worried. It showed up for a few days and disappeared. But too tired to worry much. I barely drag my feet around. By the time I get home, I am ready to crawl into bed.

I wake up pretty much every night around 4 am now – I need to pee. And then my alarm goes off at 6:30 – progesterone time. And then another alarm gets me out of bed for good at 7 am. I can’t sleep in even on weekends. I wake up just after 7 am. Although, on weekends I tend to fall back asleep. Feels like boot camp for when the baby’s born.

5 weeks of progesterone done, 5 weeks still ahead of me. Fun.

Baby’s the size of a blueberry. 50 days down, I have 230 days to go.

I am not complaining. Trust me, I am overjoyed. But after 5 pm I get so exhausted I don’t even have the energy for any emotions. This is so bizarre…

Routine

I think this is the first time I didn’t post for so long. 3 days! I started a new job and the first 2 days were long and exhausting – but fun. So far so good. I have a spacious sun-filled workspace right by the window, a nice title I feel proud and scared of at the same time (scared of the responsibility), people (most of them) seem really nice and friendly and relaxed (good sign), and industry is fun.

I am getting into a new routine now with all the pregnancy related things.

Progesterone: since I take those rectally (they give me yeast infection vaginally), I don’t feel like moving for at least 30 minutes after taking them. And a bit later they cause serious bowel movement. Which causes a bit of a logistical issue in the mornings, now that I am back in the work force. So now I put my alarm 30-40 minutes ahead of the time I need to get up, shove the progesterone pill up my @ss, and go back to bed. So far, so good.

Preg-vit. The morning vitamin pill is supposed to be ingested 1 hour before your first meal intake. Which, again, is a logistical issue on a typical workday morning. So now I take my preg-vit at the same time I take my progesterone (I now keep the pack and a glass of water on my night stand) – and go back to sleep.

Water intake. I bought myself a small 330 ml flask which I take with me. I try to start drinking during my commute and keep on drinking water and decaf teas throughout the day. So far, I feel like all I am doing is going to the bathroom, feeling uneasy because people might notice and suspect I am pregnant. Not a great thing to suspect during my very first week there. But at least now I can manage and fit 2 L of liquids inside me! Before that, I couldn’t. Just physically couldn’t.

My next goals:

- Start exercising

- Start getting to bed earlier whenever possible (the last 2 days I came home well after 10… but I want to start getting in bed at 10, read for a while, then lights off)