Walking on Thin Ice

11 Jun

Have a questions for all of you. You’re all in the IF community so will have a POV (point of view) – I hope.

My two best friends have been trying to get pregnant for years now. They have different stories – failed IVFs, miscarriages, etc. Bottom line is – still no baby.

Now that I got pregnant, I am never sure how to behave. Just how much to share and overall – how much to talk about pregnancy. On the one hand – they’re my best friends. They love me and want what’s best for me and I need their support. On the other hand, it probably hurts for them.

I noticed one of them is getting an ‘eye-roll’ reaction to some of the things I say. She thinks that when she finally manages to get pregnant, she will relax and just live her life and enjoy being pregnant. Because there isn’t anything she can do to prevent a miscarriage – so why bother worrying? I am pretty sure she’s wrong and that when she does get pregnant that won’t be how she feels. But this reaction hurts me. Like when I declined bowling. I didn’t feel comfortable throwing extremely heavy balls for 2 hours. Big eye-roll in response.

So I am not sure. Just drop the subject of being pregnant and only answer when they ask with short and brisk “everything’s fine”? What else can I do?

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9 Responses to “Walking on Thin Ice”

  1. Lindi Kriel June 11, 2011 at 9:08 AM #

    Mmm it is such a difficult one. I think you need to let them take the lead on how much to talk about the pregnancy. I do think that it is entirely your choice with how much care you treat your pregnancy, and if you don’t feel like doing certain things then they should respect that and not roll their eyes at you. You can choose to ignore their rolling eyes or address the issue.
    On the other hand I personally hate it when people try and tell me how I will feel and behave etc when I am in a certain situation. We all are different and approach life differently and we experience things differently. We need to all learn to respect each persons reallity, whether you understand it or agree with it or not.
    All the best not a nice situation to find yourself in.

    • zygotta June 11, 2011 at 10:06 AM #

      I talked to one of them and she assured me that while it certainly hurts and she feels sad that she is still not pregnant, she is happy to experience the joys of pregnancy through me. I try not to start pregnancy conversations, but we talk.

      The other, though, behaves in a way that is “humph – what exactly is your program? So just shut up!” – or so I feel. Maybe I am reacting through the lens of hormones, but honestly, I don’t feel like there is all that much hormones affecting my behaviour.

      And thank you for supporting me on having the right to decide what to do and not to do while pregnant.

  2. Artistmouse June 11, 2011 at 10:31 AM #

    I agree with Lindi . . . take the lead from them.

    For three months after my miscarriage, I was in that position — three of my closests friends, one after the other, announced that they were pregnant. Two of them waited as long as they did to tell me because I just miscarried.

    When I saw or spoke to them after their announcements, they would wait for me to ask them questions about their pregnancies rather than blather on about them. And they still do. I found that really helpful.

    However, I don’t know if that will change once I reveal my pregnancy to them.

    • zygotta June 11, 2011 at 10:41 AM #

      Thank you – I think I will go along these lines. It’s hard because not many people know that I am pregnant. It’s the two of them – because they are my best friends, plus my sister ho lives in a different time zone so it’s hard to talk, and one other friend in another city as well…

      And the eye-rolling comes from the one who never was pregnant, never had miscarriages – not the one who did have miscarriages.

  3. jennawoestman June 11, 2011 at 2:09 PM #

    So tricky! I still struggle with this. I felt so guilty around my still not-pregnant friends when I finally did get pregnant that I tried to not talk about pregnancy unless it was absolutely necessary. This was mostly because of how awful I had felt being on the other end of it for SO LONG before finally getting prego. But everyone’s different. I think as long as you’re not rubbing it in their faces (and I am SURE you are not!) it’s fine for you to embrace what’s happening to your body. If you notice it’s hurting their hearts, I am sure you will adjust your excitement/behavior accordingly. You seem like that kind of chica!

    • zygotta June 11, 2011 at 2:27 PM #

      Thanks Jenna, nice to know that’s how I am being perceived 🙂

      I am not used to not sharing EVERYTHING with them, hence the struggle. I think I’ll divert everything I wanna share to my blog… Maybe share with someone else, widen the circle of those in the know, so that I can discuss things when I am practically bursting.

      I feel sad and worried that once the baby arrives, the divide between us might widen…

  4. Tanya June 11, 2011 at 4:04 PM #

    Personally, I would come right out and say something along the lines of, “I’m sure my pregnancy is difficult for you. I know if would be for me if it was the other way around. I need you to tell me how you want me to handle it. Do you want me to share with you as I go through my pregnancy or would you rather I keep my symptoms and experiences to myself?” That way, they can tell you what they would prefer and you don’t have to dance around to figure out how to handle it. You can also give them time to think about what they would prefer so they don’t feel like they have to answer on the spot–they may feel differently after taking some time to think about it….

    • Tanya June 11, 2011 at 4:06 PM #

      Another option would be to tell them that you are letting them take the lead. Let them know that you understand their pain and that you will not talk about your pregnancy around them unless they ask you.

      • zygotta June 11, 2011 at 10:08 PM #

        I think you’re right.
        In fact, I talked to the one who had the miscarriages – because I hear so many distraught stories from her how someone else got pregnant again among her friends.
        But I didn’t talk to the other one. I didn’t feel like she’s as sensitive about the subject. But then maybe she is. I’ll talk to her.

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