I am So Grateful (or a Glance in the Past)

14 Jun

Having seen our teeny-tiny seed of a baby in the ultrasound, having shed that single tear, I got pensive and went on a mental journey through the past.

Perhaps the journey hubby and I took up to here wasn’t all that long – just over a year, just 2 treatment cycles in the clinic.

But.

But there were years and years of childless marriage – first marriage – with little hope to ever have kids. To ever be happy.

I remember the first time I had an u/s when they suspected I might be pregnant. Husband number one did not look particularly excited, although later confessed he kind of hoped there’s going to be a little one. That was pretty much the first and the last time I believed him in this respect. That was in the first year of our marriage. We were married for 10 years.

I remember wanting kids. I remember, year after year, hearing about someone else getting pregnant, someone else having a child. Someone constantly asking me: well, what about you guys? I would force a smug smile and say something mysterious and meaningless. Feeling empty. Hurting.

Because husband number one always had very good reasons for why it wasn’t the time to have a baby. Over time, the baby issue got us to the point where we almost stopped having sex. I am not sure whether I went off BC because didn’t see the point – with once in a few months sex – or whether he stopped having sex for the fear of me getting pregnant with no BC. Whatever was the trigger, we were drifting apart. But I couldn’t find the courage to separate.

I was tortured. I saw my best fertile years slipping away. I was tormented by the arithmetic such as “if we separate now, it’ll take a year or two to find someone real, then another year or two to get married, then another year or two to start trying for a baby… and then for sure there will be something wrong with me – besides, I am not getting younger”.

I was sad, lost, listless. I didn’t know what to do. On top of it all, for an unknown reason, I still loved him and couldn’t live him. And I wanted a baby so badly – in fact, at times the emptiness inside me felt like I once had a child and lost it. That’s how much it hurt – being married and not being able to get pregnant because he didn’t want to have kids.

He kept telling me stories and good reasons for not having kids, not just yet, but, of course, he wants to have kids with me, to have a family with me, just not yet. Oh, how I wanted to believe him. So I did. And did. And did.

Until one day something happened and I realized he’s just not the same guy I fell in love with. Not the same guy I married. Not the same guy I still loved in my head. That guy was gone. In his place was someone alien, unreliable. Someone wasting my life, sucking all the juices out of me.

So we split up. I was devastated. I knew it was over and there was no going back – I waited long enough, so once the decision was made, it was final. Those were the darkest days ever. I am not going into disturbingly dark descriptions. Let’s just say at one point I found myself  an ER in an ambulance with heart attack symptoms. Was very bad case of panic attack, but – well, you get the picture of my mental state.

I am blessed to have awesome friends and family. It’s with their help that I managed to go through that all with no drugs or anything of the sort.

It was dark. Those arithmetic calculations I mentioned earlier were throbbing in my head. Not only my womb was empty – so was my heart. I was alone.

And then husband number two came into my life. It was as if something got switched in me. My colleagues later confessed they were a bit concerned when all of a sudden I started showing up for work all smiling. Fearing I got deranged or something 🙂

Well, this portion of the story is a happy one. We started dating, we got married, I knew from early on he really, REALLY wants kids – so we started TTC right after the wedding – and a year later we got our BFP. With a bit of a medical help, stinging, sticking, pricking and prodding, but we got there.

And I hope I will forget all about those 10 wasted fertile years. I hope my fertile years are sill ahead of me. I hope to have three kids.

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4 Responses to “I am So Grateful (or a Glance in the Past)”

  1. Back For Seconds June 14, 2011 at 2:05 PM #

    I’m so glad your pregnancy is going well and that you have such a wonderful and supportive husband now!!

  2. BleedingTulip June 17, 2011 at 3:00 PM #

    I am sorry you had those 10 years. I have a friend in that situation right now, we have drifted apart over the last year. I think as hard as it is for me to try and try with no success, at least I DO try. She got married thinking she didn’t want kids… and has since changed her mind, although her husband has not. And so I think she is in so much pain, not even getting to try, that she can’t really put energy into our friendship.

    I love your dream of three kids… and I very much hope you get to wee it come true!!!

    • zygotta June 17, 2011 at 4:21 PM #

      It was heartbreaking seeing how everyone around at least had the chance to try and I didn’t…

      And yes, I remember not having energy for friendships or pretty much anything – all the energy went into supporting myself on the surface of that ocean of grief

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