I Want to Feel Joyous

29 Jul

I was reading a blog entry today, where memories of going to a prenatal yoga class were shared – the joyous feeling of being pregnant – when I thought: why don’t I feel joyous?

I realized that I live in constant fear. It’s gnawing at me slowly from the insight. Just this night, I had a dream of an enormous bleeding “fountaining” out of me. I woke up immediately and, before even thinking, checked: all dry, all normal.

Why???

I was talking to my friend about being pregnant, and she interrupted me saying – oh, you guys probably feel so giddy and happy! And I paused mid-sentence – no, we don’t.

I can’t explain it – but my fears and worries are so intense, I still don’t let myself get too attached to the idea of being pregnant. Half of me still doesn’t believe this is happening – and that I am that far along.

I always imagined pregnancy as this quiet happy introspective period, when all your thoughts are focused on the miracle happening inside you.

I am happy, in a way – thanks to my hubby. He makes it very easy for me, he makes extra-sure not to upset me and not to bother me. He plays guitar and sings lullabies to my belly every night.

But I am making myself unhappy.

Sure, in part that’s because my best friend miscarried 4 times. Emotionally, I lived through her struggles. I am an emotional sponge like this, I always “live” through others’ experiences, taking them waaaay too close to heart. So when I realized I am having problems getting pregnant, too – I guess I immediately decided I just might follow her steps… And this fear never let me go.

I want to get rid of it. I want to shake it off strongly, inhale deeply, look at my belly and talk to it. And go shopping in the baby section. And start planning the nursery. And go crazy – letting the idea sink in: we ARE going to have a baby.

Yesterday, despite the fact we don’t have the nuchal u/s results, we decided it is time to start telling people. We started with the family. My mom cried. I was so touched.

And I hope that sharing pregnancy with the world will help me believe that I am pregnant and all is well. I hope that others – who don’t know of our struggles – just might help me feel more certain. Feel joyous.

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4 Responses to “I Want to Feel Joyous”

  1. babiesandus July 29, 2011 at 9:51 AM #

    I think sharing it with friends and family will probably get you more excited, I also think that if there was something wrong with the scan your Dr will let you know straight away and not let you wait for your next appointment.

    Try your best to enjoy this precious time, because it does go so quickly

    • zygotta July 29, 2011 at 10:09 AM #

      I hope it will help. I already start to feel how fast this is going by – and I am afraid that it will slip through my fingers without my really feeling and enjoying it.

  2. BleedingTulip July 31, 2011 at 2:07 PM #

    I have read a few blogs that struggle with this issue. And the the thing is, even if things do not go like we all very much hope they go, you are going to be depressed, it is going to be hard, and no amount of holding yourself back from happiness will change that. So you might as well revel in the joy that is this pregnancy, and soak up every happy moment you can. And then if everything does go smoothly/normally/healthily/happily then you will not have spent any unnecessary amount of time not enjoying what you should so very much being enjoying.

    I have no idea if that makes sense to anybody but me, but if not, at least it’s a virtual hug lol 🙂

    • zygotta August 1, 2011 at 7:04 PM #

      thank you – yes, it makes perfect sense
      I had a conversation with my hubby and asked him to help me. To make me feel it more real. To talk to my belly, to stroke my belly (he does all these things anyway – but I want him to sort of engage me)

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