MIL Plans to Visit

7 Aug

MIL just dropped an email that she plans to visit for a couple of days in mid-Feb. No she didn’t ask – she just announced. And mid-Feb is supposed to be 1 weeks after EDD. After reading recently on one of the forums an essay about what to expect in the first couple of weeks after labour (e.g. lemon-size clots), I am not so hot about having ANYONE in my house in the first two weeks.

My sister will be coming over to stay with us – to help me out. And I really didn’t want anyone else to come until later on. I know both my parents and my PIL – there will be lots of stress, forcing me to do things their way, etc.

And, seriously – in mid-Feb, the midst of the flu season, I am hardly interested in someone coming to the house fresh off the plane…

Not sure how to proceed.

Here is the essay that I read and that makes me feel really, REALLY frustrated that the visit was just announced, without even asking.

The Lemon Clot Essay (by Sharon1964)

You will be leaking out of places you don’t want to leak out of. Do you really want to stand up from the couch and have your father’s parents see that not only have you bled through your pad, but the blood is now running down your leg. Do you really want to say, “honey, can you come with me to the bathroom, I am bleeding all over and I feel a huge bloodclot coming out”… in front of them? Contrast that to “mom, I need your help please, now, I’m bleeding all over!” Does your husband really understand the volume of stuff that will be coming out of you, the possibility of lemon-sized clots of blood? Not 2-dimensional lemon-sized, but huge, round, 3-dimensional lemon-sized?

How many bathrooms do you have? If only one, do you REALLY want to have to make it “guest-level clean” every time you leave it? Do you really want this gang of people ogling your diaper-sized pads, peribottle, tucks pads, and all the other supplies that will be in the bathroom? Even if you have two bathrooms, that means you can’t use the main bathroom, because you still have to leave it “guest-level clean” every time you use it.

Do they really plan to do something other than hold the baby, pass the baby around, and sit around expecting you guys to wait on them? Are they going to sit and stare at you? Thirty minutes after they arrive, and baby wants to breastfeed, are they going to quickly and willingly LEAVE your home so that you can breastfeed in the privacy and comfort of your space? Or are they going to hang around outside, waiting for you to be done, and knocking every so often wanting to know if they can come back in? Yeah, that’s great for breastfeeding.

Or better yet, are they going to blow you off, saying “it’s no big deal”, and expect you to breastfeed in front of them? Even experienced moms need several weeks of practice to get good at it, so to speak, so that they can breastfeed wherever they want. Learning to breastfeed is not a time for people to ogle and stare at you.

When your breasts are engorged and painful and you want NOTHING to touch them, what then? Does your dh think it will be okay for his dad to stare at your huge naked breasts as you walk around topless?

What if your birth is smack in the middle of their trip? So what are they going to do the first few days, before baby? Are they going to sit and stare at you, waiting for the big moment? Then what? Are they going to camp out in your hospital room every day, all day? Yeah, that’s great for resting. What happens when you leave the hospital and they beat you to your own home, and all you want to do is lay down in your own bed? Are they going to leave graciously, or are they going to sit in your living room, eating your food, messing up your house, and making noise, so you can’t nap?

Does your DH normally allow people to invite themselves over to visit you guys without even ASKING? You guys are setting yourselves up for a lifetime of this. Then you will be blamed when you try to tell them that it is not a good time for you.

Does your DH understand ANY of these things?? Does he not understand that it is NOT about entertaining guests, but about recovery from a major medical procedure (either vaginal or c-section)? Does he not understand that you just grew another human being in your body, and will have just gone through the process of getting it out?? This is going to be an exhausting, messy, wildly hormonal time. Does he not get that??


Who Can Even be on the List to be Considered to Stay at Your Home After Childbirth by Sharon1964

You know, nobody gets to stay in your home after birth unless they are helpful. So is his mother going to…. wash your bloody underwear in the sink? Clean and disinfect your toilet and perhaps the bathroom floor after you spend time in there? Clean up lemon size blood clots that come out of your vagina if you need help? Get hot washcloths and lay them on your naked engorged breasts? Hold a cold wet washcloth on the back of your neck when you break out in a sweat all over?

Is she going to cook for you and clean for you and do the laundry, and make sure you are stocked with diapers and wipes and clean blankets? Is she going to allow you to breastfeed in private in your own living room by either going to her room or going outside? Is she going to allow you to pick up your own crying baby? Is she going to ASK you if you would like her to get the baby for you since you may be sore? Is she going to disappear when you want alone time with your new baby and your husband? Is she going to refrain from giving you advice but instead ask you what you need?

And what’s his dad going to do? Is he going to cut the grass and take out the garbage and make runs to the store for juice and milk? Is he going to wash the car or walk the dog or change the cat litter box?

No? Yeah, that’s what I thought.few people mention this so I thought I would post it.  If its already on here. Sorry, I didn’t see it.


6 Responses to “MIL Plans to Visit”

  1. Tiffany August 7, 2011 at 7:28 PM #

    I would put a stop to that visit immediately if not sooner. (I hate to sound like a hateful or mean person….but this how I feel.) First of all, how freakin rude that she just announced and didn’t ask. Totally innapropriate, Second, Those first few weeks are so precious, so intimate, and such a HUGE bonding time for you and your baby, plus it goes by so fast, that noone should be in your house to interrupt that time (if you don’t want them there.) My hubs and I really wanted our bonding time and didn’t feel like we needed any help and we didn’t have any visitors (except for maybe 20 minutes or so) for the first few weeks. I know that might sould crazy to some people, but I’m so glad we did it. It was the most special time we’ve ever shared together and you will never get that time back. I’m so glad I didn’t have to worry about any guests in my hosue, especially a MIL!!! lol. Lastley, you have to think of hte health of your baby. I’m not sure what season it is in Feb where you are, but here it is right in the middle of flu season and my doc told us to absolutely NOT let anyone around our baby who hadn’t had a flu shot. So if your mil does come for a visit, at least make sure she is healthy! I know if will all work out for you, whatever you choose!

  2. BleedingTulip August 8, 2011 at 4:23 AM #

    I have to say, my mom tends to be good at the “inviting herself” thing, and the fact is you have to set the boundary. If you don’t want her there, tell her. You don’t have to be mean, just let her know that you already have family coming to help and that it would be overwhelming to have any more guests at that time. And that in the future it is important that she ask rather then assume that you are free for guests and would appreciate her asking. Also throw out an estimate of when might be a good time for her to plan a visit (for instance “the third or fourth weekend of march would be a much better time for us to have guests”)

    Believe me, I KNOW it’s hard and awkward, but doing the kind-of-awkward-thing now will be easier then trying to say something after the precedence has been set.

    *HUGS* Good luck, I hope you and your husband can have some good conversations and reach an agreement on how to handle situations like this as a team.

  3. babiesandus August 8, 2011 at 4:45 AM #

    Yup if you don’t want her there you need to let her know now, the sooner the better before she books that plain ticket and then you let her come because you feel guilty. She should have asked!

    Best of luck it is never easy telling in laws what the boundaries are.

  4. zygotta August 8, 2011 at 8:07 AM #

    thank you, all of you ladies!
    my hubby says this is her way of showing involvement
    he said he’ll talk to her
    I am glad he is taking care of it
    ’cause I really am not interested in a hurricane in my house in those precious days (and she is a hurricane)

    one of the reasons she wanted to come then is that she’ll be on vacation (and won’t be able to come until June then) – which is fine with me…

  5. Laurie August 8, 2011 at 3:46 PM #

    Maybe you could talk her into coming (much, much) later? Thankfully my parents didn’t come down until Ruby was about 4 months old. My IL’s came down the day after Ruby was born but thankfully they didn’t stay long or expect much. I hope things work out!

    (I know it is different for everyone but the whole bleeding things wasn’t nearly as bad for me as for the poor lady writing the essay. I did have a monster clot (which freaked me out because I didn’t know that happened!) but other than that it was really just like I had a heavy period)

    • zygotta August 8, 2011 at 6:11 PM #

      I am relieved it might not be quite as bad, thank you Laurie 🙂
      My in-laws are out-of-town, so it’s either she comes in Feb. – or in June. And if they come – they stay with us. I vote for June!

      I asked my hubby to take care of that.

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