Changing Perspectives

21 Aug

I remember reading a blog post of an infertile scolding a fertile’s post about her attitude towards what is and is not considered ‘help’ after you give birth to your child. While I wasn’t enamored with the whole way the post was framed (cowardly attacking somebody else’s blog post without posting a proper link, starting a big discussion behind the person’s back), I agreed with most of the snorting going on.

Now that I am pregnant and I am reading books about pregnancy and giving birth, I find out that through all the bitterness we might experience while waiting for that BFP, we never stop to think that, well, we don’t really know anything about being pregnant or postpartum or a mom. And so our judgment is often skewed.Everything past BFP seems to be roses, no thorns.

Pregnancy can be a very scary and painful time – you do need love and support through it! And encouragement.

Announcing the news is not an insensitive thing to do. You do have to announce the news sooner or later, whether the news will hurt those still struggling. I mean, we aren’t expected to hide the babies forever, even after they’re born? So all of a sudden you realize that updating a facebook status is not an insensitive thing to do. It’s normal. And we are striving to get pregnant and be normal. Although I have to admit my facebook yet has to see this “pregnant!” update. I don’t know why, but I still withhold the news from the broader public.

And then postpartum… I read today that it really is important to have help in the first week or two with cleaning the house, cooking, and changing the diapers – it is very likely that the new mom will barely have the energy to breastfeed the child and take a snooze every time the child snoozes. That’s all!No other activities!

I did not expect that a new mom can be that helpless. But hey, that’s a government-approved book, not a ‘fertile’ blogger saying that. Learning more makes me look in a different way at what those ‘fertile’ moms put on their blogs.

We are often too quick to jump to conclusions that those complaining about things are ungrateful or whatnot – but, in truth, they’re often simply reflecting the facts. They just don’t constantly excuse themselves by saying “yes, I am VERY grateful I am pregnant/I have a child, but…” – they just put things as they are. I think it goes without saying they are grateful to have kids – why wouldn’t they? But that doesn’t change the fact that that’s the way things really are – hard and frustrating, oftentimes.

Now, you can say I feel this way only because I haven’t struggled through years of treatments and was waaaay too lucky to got pregnant on the second cycle at the clinic. That might be so. Still, I think we should be all more tolerant towards each other and not just go about assuming that if someone didn’t mention “I am so grateful” somewhere in their post, that they aren’t.


6 Responses to “Changing Perspectives”

  1. chinkebrowneyes August 21, 2011 at 1:06 PM #

    Absolutely agree!

  2. Jess August 21, 2011 at 3:41 PM #

    Tolerance is a wonderful, albeit greatly lacking, thing: Although people who constantly complain (IF’er or not) about their children get on my nerves, because it does sound ungrateful.

    I haven’t posted on FB either, and won’t until after our u/s on Wednesday. As to help, when I had DD, I really didn’t have much help…our parents came to visit, but only a few people brought us meals, no one cleaned our house. I did the best I could doing everything: Heck I catered a huge dessert party at 3 weeks postpartum lol I don’t think that will happen this time.

    I do think though, at least I know for me, that the BFP and BABY were the goal, I didn’t really think beyond that. This time I am and quite frankly it scares the bejeezers out of me.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog:-)

    • zygotta August 21, 2011 at 5:07 PM #

      well, people who constantly complain get on your nerve regardless of their reasons for complaining 🙂

      Wow – dessert party at 3 weeks!!! I heard enough warning not to undertake anything of the kind in the first month. I think I’ll play it by ear. If I end up to be full of energy and feeling great – I can always arrange something if I want to… But don’t want to be tied by plans I won’t be able to see through properly!!

      Totally hear you and BFT being the goal. I remember feeling completely disoriented when I got mine. It was like, now what? I know everything about weeks 1-4, but what’s now??? 🙂

  3. BleedingTulip August 22, 2011 at 6:48 PM #

    Bravo for writing this! From the very beginning of TTC, I never really understood the attitude of intolerance of pregnant women and new moms. That is what WE ALL WANT. That is all of our GOALS. So why hate someone for accomplishing it? Sure, I understand being sad that we haven’t obtained the goal. I even understand being jealous. And I understand when pregnant/new moms are smug and insensitive and that is hurtful to us. But the very existence of their child does not hurt my chances. As one author once wrote, their fertility does not somehow take away my fertility. There is not a limited amount of fertility in the world. (, the first IF blog I ever read)

    I think that when people try to hide it and put up a bunch of elusive facebook posts is MORE annoying then them just saying it outright.

    On the flip side, I have had fertile friends say some very hurtful things to me. I am sure that being pregnant and/or a new mom is exhausting and difficult. But there is a time and place to vent. Your facebook wall, your personal blog, is totally fine. But specifically coming to an infertile person with your woes is difficult to take. I try to keep that in mind when hanging out with my pregnant friends/new moms in that I am sure my struggles would be hard (or even scary) for them to hear so I try not to be all “woe-is-me” and be happy and supportive. It’s a two-way-street, you know? I hope that made sense!

    • zygotta August 22, 2011 at 7:06 PM #

      It makes perfect sense, yes.

      Imagine you have an IF blog keep ridiculing the pregnant ones around you for… well, whatever – pretty much for being pregnant.

      Then you get pregnant, and what? You’ll be struggling because you can’t sit in both seats. You won’t be able to say a word without being accused of duplicity. How to post the news on facebook? Am I allowed to post a bump or an u/s pic? WHERE ON EARTH can I go when I feel scared or in pain?

      I am guessing it’s tough to find yourself in this corner, not being able to count on support of those around you, after preaching for so long that it is indecent to seek support once you go over to the pregnant side.

      So let’s not get there in the first place! It, indeed, is a two-way street.

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