Kicks. He. Horoscope. Bad Thoughts.

15 Sep

For the past two days, my son is entertaining himself by kicking my cervix. I can tell. The cervix is the part that gets the contractions during orgasm. And that’s exactly the spot where I feel the kicks.

Alternatively, he kicks my colon.

He is still small enough to make me feel this is cute and smile – but I am starting to wonder what it will feel like when he gets bigger.

He.

It is so bizarre to refer to him like that.

My mom looked up the Chinese horoscope. You know how in Chinese horoscope each year has a sign, but then the year end is not Dec. 31st but is a floating date in Jan-Feb? Since our baby will be born on Feb. 5, give or take a week, I needed to know when the Chinese year starts in 2012 and what our baby will be. It turns out that next year the Chinese year will start on Jan. 23 – so we can be pretty sure our son will born in the new Chinese year and will be a Dragon. And an Aquarius, of course.

I keep looking at the sonogram pic. And my heart flutters – this is my baby! My son! He’s not even born yet, and I already love him so much, it’s weird.

But here I need to make a stupid confession. I am ashamed, but I need to share.

I always wanted a boy. But a boy as well as a girl. My husband’s family seems to produce boys almost exclusively (like 95% of kids are boys), so now I simply fear that all of our children will be boys. If the first one were a girl, I wouldn’t worry about the following pregnancies. I would’ve been certain we’ll get a boy. But I am pregnant with a boy now – so I worry that we will never get a daughter.

So stupid that I even think about it when there are thousands of women fighting for a chance to have a baby, one baby, any baby.

But there I am. And getting a few “disappointed’ responds from hubby’s family (they clearly hoped there finally will be a girl) did not help.

Oh well.

Regardless… I love this baby. I love my baby boy. But I know next time I get pregnant, I will be soooo focused on getting a girl. And I am afraid to think what I will feel if the next one will be a boy, too. And I think I won’t have the courage to try for the third baby in that case…

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8 Responses to “Kicks. He. Horoscope. Bad Thoughts.”

  1. St. Elsewhere September 16, 2011 at 9:01 AM #

    Yeah, I know what is….that kick straight to the South Pole.

    Lola used to do that – especially in the last few weeks.

    Season (my second kid) has managed to do the same already. He/She was pretty silent this one evening and I pleaded for some action – and that’s what I got – a straight kick to the down below!

    🙂

    I used a Chinese gender predictor and it said boy!

    My kid would also be either a Capricorn or Aquarius, and I suspect the former has a way higher possibility.

    Take Care!

    • zygotta September 16, 2011 at 9:18 AM #

      Haha, be careful what you wish for – kicks can go right there! ;))

      For me Aquarius is almost a certainty. Me EDD is Feb. 5th, and Aquarius is Jan. 22-Feb. 21. So whether he arrives 2 weeks early or one week late – he’ll be an Aquarius!

  2. Mrs. E September 16, 2011 at 12:59 PM #

    “He.” =) It’s so exciting to see that!

    Don’t be ashamed. You feel what you feel. I don’t think you have to worry, though. Even if your next child is a boy, I think you will be equally happy. Of course, I don’t know that for sure, but I do know that my BIL’s family has 5 grandchildren, all girls. The most recent granddaughter was born in August, and there is another (6th!) girl due in October. Everyone was hoping for a boy, but honestly–the second they found out the babies were girls, they were just as happy. I hope you get both, but either way: you’re going to be a mom, and I know you’re going to be a proud one =)

    • zygotta September 16, 2011 at 1:28 PM #

      Thanks for the support. I am feeling a bit better and not as such a horrible person.

      To be fair, my husband has a daughter (an ‘oops’ from when he was 19). SO I hope he will be able to give a girl to me, too 😉

  3. Jessica September 16, 2011 at 1:35 PM #

    Congrats on a little boy! I agree with you, because I wanted a girl, and thank goodness our first was a girl…I understand how you feel about subsequent pregnancies.

    • zygotta September 16, 2011 at 1:38 PM #

      Thank you Jess – I am glad I am not alone in this gender-addiction thing…

      Although my hubby said something yesterday that made me feel better: we, your men, will take good care of you, our only woman!

      I have never looked at having a boy from this perspective, but I guess he has a point 🙂

  4. BleedingTulip September 17, 2011 at 9:26 PM #

    I felt the same way when I had my last pregnancy… I was ecstatic to be orgnant but disappointed it wasn’t twins, and then felt ashamed… And then beyond depressed and guilty when I miscarried.
    You feel what you feel. We all have hopes and dreams of what our family will look like. For me? I see a future of 2 boys and 2 girls…

    • zygotta September 17, 2011 at 10:05 PM #

      I would love 3 kids of different genders. But if the first two will be boys, I am not sure I will mater the courage to try for the third one…

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