Archive | August, 2013

Not Ready?..

30 Aug

I think I finally realized what scares me so much in having another baby: I don’t feel physically ready.

I am constantly exhausted. I don’t remember the last time I slept in – and not because I can’t, no. In fact, hubby gets up early with Timothy and as far as he is concerned, I can sleep all I want; but I can’t. I simply can’t. Whether it’s a habit or what – I don’t know, but the longest I can sleep is until about 8 am.

And it’s not like I go to bed late, no. I am in bed around 10 pm usually, lights off by 10:30 pm. So even on weekdays I get over 8 hours of sleep. I have never slept that much! But I am exhausted, constantly.

And that scares me. When Timothy was born, I didn’t have much trouble waking up for the night feedings (and staying up). I was fine. I wasn’t even too sleepy. I was there, in the dark, relaxing, nursing. Well – maybe mot the first 3 or so weeks while nursing still hurt, but then it was all relaxing. Get up nurse, crawl back into bed, sleep.

Now I worry that I won’t have that level of energy. I won’t be that peaceful, go-with-the-flow mom. I worry that I will be a nerve wreck. I fear that I won’t have patience for the baby. Especially if the new baby turns out to be a difficult one.

And with looking after Timothy and being pregnant, I just don’t see how I can get rested enough before baby #2 arrives. I hope that it’s still the first trimester tiredness lingering, that it will pass… but I worry.

I am at home today, alone. Timothy is in daycare, hubby at work… and all I wanna do – is do nothing. I sat in front of my computer, then in front of TV watching How To Train Your Dragon. I ate in between. I forced myself to start some laundry. But overall – I would be quite happy to sit and stare at the wall. I don’t wanna do anything. I want to sleep but I can’t. I’m so, so tired. All the time.

I hope it passes over the next couple of weeks as trimester #2 kicks in… but what if it doesn’t? How will I ever get ready for baby #2?..

First Movement?

27 Aug

I was having lunch with my colleagues when I felt it.

It was not gas, I’m sure. Gas usually moves from point A to point B. And it often is uncomfortable or downright painful. This felt more like a bubble turning around. Like a baby turning from one side to the other, in its sleep. Like it was with Timothy.

Now, internet generally says you can’t feel a baby at 12 weeks, it’s too small. Just about 2.5 inches. But then internet says most women start feeling movement around 20 weeks. With Timothy, I felt first movement at 15 weeks. And this is my second pregnancy, so I know much better what to be looking for. And if you ask me, something 2.5 inches long moving inside you doesn’t sound all that hard to feel.

I think that was it. The first baby movement. I am pregnant, I guess :p

12 Weeks

26 Aug

12 weeks. End of trimester one, according to some sources.

Bump is definitely here – cannot suck it in any longer. It’s not big, but definitely there.

I am in a hurry to get my share of sleeping on my belly while I still can. It already is getting a bit uncomfortable. I already need to bend a knee, propping myself up a bit to the side.

Boobs are sore. Now. It’s weird. Last time the growth and soreness happened much, much earlier and was gone by this time. Boobs are definitely getting bigger, too.

Am not as tired all the time, but physical activity exhausts me – like spending an hour at a playground with Timothy. Cause I have to climb with him everywhere. And go down some of the taller slides with him.

I wonder what we’re having? A boy or a girl?

I wonder what the new baby will be like. An easy baby like Timothy? A nightmare with colic, gas, teeth, rashes, etc?

I am still trying to shake off that deja vu feeling. I am pregnant again. Just as I started working – again. Expecting a baby in late winter – again. The matleave months will be almost the same. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not a repeat of Timothy. It’s a new baby – and Timothy is an additional factor in this whole scenario.

I will have two kids. I will have to learn to juggle them. To figure out how to get quality time with them both. The sleeping arrangements. The daycare pickup while having the new baby – perhaps sleeping or whaling or whatever. I never got out of the house if Timothy was cranky. I’ll have to now.

It’s a whole different game now which I don’t know how to play – yet.

Good thing I have 6 more months.

Ultrasound

22 Aug

Had my NT scan ultrasound.

The appointment was 1.5 hours late. And it was SOOOOO cold in the waiting room I was practically shivering! The u/s tech gave me a sheet to wrap around my shoulders once I came in for the u/s.

I won’t know the results until I see my doctor in 2.5 weeks.

All I know is that when the tech turned the monitor towards me in the end of the u/s – my baby waved at me 🙂

Sad Finances

19 Aug

Just looked at our spend over the past few months. Granted, we had an expensive vacation – and we had family visiting to entertain (I don’t even know where we spent the money – there were too many ATM withdrawals and you cannot trace cash!), but we spent WAAAAY too much money.

And I looked at what we regularly spend: mortgage, utilities, daycare, groceries, insurance, property fees… Well, I don’t think we can afford another car while I’ll be on matleave, as much as I want to. It looks like we’ll already be spending more than earning. ‘Cause, unlike the previous matleave, we’ll have a toddler in daycare. And choosing between the ability to snooze during the day with the newborn baby (thanks to Timothy being in daycare) and the convenience of having another car – I am choosing sleep. But we can’t afford both.

We’ll see what we can save between now and my EDD in 6.5 months, but I doubt we’ll be able to get another car. Which is sad. For whatever reason, we thought we’d be able to.

Would we have canceled our Newfoundland vacation, had we known we were about to get preggo? Probably not. I’m glad we did go on that vacation, it was awesome and very memorable. Worth the ton of money that it cost us.

But the reality is such that we probably now don’t have enough time to save…

11 weeks

18 Aug

According to my self-proclaimed EDD, today marks 11 weeks.

I found one more reason to go for c-section: in the hospitals, priority is given to c-sections and twins, when distributing single-rooms. I would really hate sharing a room with another sleepless baby and never-ending stream of nurses not only to my and baby’s beds – but to theirs, too.

As I was pushing the stroller towards a nearby playground, wearing my new maternity capri jeans, I all of a sudden realized that I seem to have found my peace. I felt so blissfully pregnant in that moment, in sink with the budding life inside my belly, a happy momma waiting for an addition to the family.

I think I finally fully believe that I am pregnant, we’ll have a baby in early March, and the absence of spotting over the past 4-5 days helps me breathe.

I think it took me much longer to relax with the first pregnancy – probably the twice-a-day progesterone suppositories were a powerful reminder of my malfunctioning body. I think having gotten pregnant on my own this time around, it is easier to believe in the abilities of your own reproductive system.

I don’t trust my system enough to attempt natural birth, though. I did not enjoy the pain, too (I couldn’t get an epidural for ages). And I am not the type that embraces epidural-free natural birth. That simply is not for me. Maybe my pain is stronger than that of an average woman, maybe I am a wuss, whatever the reason is – I don’t think I want to experience that again.

Oh, and the memories of the size of my baby boy (10 pounds) – and his head, especially (36 cm) gives me chills to this day. THIS was trying to get through WHERE???..

Anyhow. I am happy with my newly found peace. I hope it stays with me.

Maternity Clothes

17 Aug

Went shopping today. No, all of my pants still close on me easily – but when I sit for a long time, they cut in and hurt. I guess because all of them are lower rise (not too low-rise… that would not be appropriate for my age/job title :))

So went to an outlet mall close by and bought 3 pairs of maternity jeans (one capri), 3 summer dresses, and a few shirts. All of that for $120, taxes in. Not bad, eh?

Last time I didn’t want to spend almost anything while pregnant. This time around I know that I will be wearing my maternity pants for a few months after delivery – as well the long shirts (hence I bought shirts that double as nursing tops).

The summer dresses are mostly for our planned vacation in late fall.

While trying the clothes on, I stuffed the provided belly-pillow in my jeans – and it felt like such a strong deja vu! If it weren’t for Timothy, staring at me from his stroller, this would have been too weird I think.

Anyway… I am so happy to have capri jeans to wear now while it’s still hot – and they won’t cut into my lower abdomen!!!

Told my Boss

15 Aug

Informed my boss today that I am pregnant.

Tomorrow her 2.5 week vacation starts, so I feared that while she’s away, my pregnancy will have become too noticeable and… well, your boss should find from you, not from office gossips!

I’ve been trying to talk to her since Tuesday and finally managed to get a few minutes with her today. I think she was too overwhelmed with all the workload before vacation – so other than congratulating me, she didn’t really know what to say,

Well, in any case, the cat is out of the bag. Our families know, my boss knows… I’ll share the news with colleagues next week (I’m off tomorrow). So maybe I should share it with the whole wide world already. Idk. Something doesn’t let me.

It’s not like I have any specific milestone in mind: like an ultrasound or an official end of the first trimester. I just hesitate, for no obvious reason – but at the same time I burst to share. I think I will share, soon. Next week probably – after I announce to colleagues. Cause it might be awkward if they find out fro facebook, you know 🙂

I haven’t seen my spotting for the past couple of days. I guess that’s putting more weight on the “let’s tell everyone” side of scale…

First Gyno Appointment

12 Aug

Had my first Gyno appointment today.

We had some discussion around c-section vs VBAC. When kids are less than 2 years apart, they pretty much force you into c-section. Our kids will be just a bit over 2 years apart – so I have the choice. But for the VBAC, there’s not stimulation. So if, like last time, I don’t go into labour on my own – and if my labour isn’t progressing – I might have to suffer through very, very long labour. And, chances are my next baby will be just as big, if not bigger.

Bottom line, she says if I don’t feel very strongly about vaginal birth, there’s no reason risking it. I have time to decide until my next appointment in 4 weeks. Because apparently c-sections have to be scheduled that far in advance! Shock.

I got my referral to the down syndrome ultrasound – which we hope will help us establish my EDD. According to my cycle, the EDD is March 2. According to my calculations – it’s March 9. We need to know to book the c-section appropriately.

And the doppler revealed a beautiful heartbeat. I wasn’t sure if we’ll hear it today – I read that at 10 weeks it might be picked up only if you’re very slim. Well, I guess I am very slim 🙂

The Gyno smiled and said “hmmm, I think a girl”.

The heart was beating really fast.

And the whole experience of sitting in that waiting room again, less that 18 months since my last time, somehow made this whole pregnancy that much more real. Discussing birth. Hearing the heartbeat. Sitting among humongously pregnant women.

I am pregnant, people. I am pregnant.

I wonder if I might be ready to start sharing the news with the family.

Annoying Thoughts

10 Aug

My son is 18 months.

At first I almost typed “my older son” but then figured that for now – he’s still the only son.

It still breaks my heart that he’ll be so little when the second one arrives. I feel like we’re stealing our love from him. (My friend has the opposite fears – that she won’t be able to love her second child as much as she loves her 3.5 year old daughter).

I also constantly catch myself thinking of this new baby sort of like Timothy becoming a baby again. Somehow I cannot process that it will be ANOTHER baby. That Timothy will go on getting bigger and older, and there will be someone else lying flat on their back, wearing size 1 diapers, and nursing for hours on end.

Yes, I guess you can hear it in my tone – I still feel more bogged down by the details of having another baby so soon – and struggle to connect with the baby and the pregnancy 😦 It bugs me. I want to be happy and excited. Oh well. I guess I already feel better than, say, 4 weeks ago. At least now I believe I am pregnant 🙂

For now, I am pushing aside all these thoughts: can Timothy and Pea share a bedroom? Do we need another crib or will Timothy be ready for the regular bed? Do we need a double stroller or will Timothy be happy to run along? Will we be okay, financially – this time we will be spending more since we plan to keep Timothy in daycare? How will it go at work? I am on contract, and my contract actually expires around my EDD. After my first pregnancy, they let go of the person they hired as me replacement – and took me back. I was so happy. I really doubt they will do this again. So I most likely won’t have a place to go back to after matleave… We need another car to manage two kids. We need… we need… we need…

Oh, there are so many questions, all of them have $$ attached. I just don’t want to think about it yet. But it bugs me. And affects my overall mood, unfortunately.

I am, I am very happy. Just thinking that I surpassed the whole TTC thing without ever considering it! Never had the 2ww, never had to cry about yet another month, another AF for nothing… I am happy, looking at Timothy, to think that he’ll have a sibling. That my hubby will have another child – he wants more!

But somehow the niggly details overpower all of that, and I feel like a failure. Like I am a bad mother. Like I don’t deserve all this, fearing that my little Pea will get upset and decide to leave me…

Can someone please nit-pick those annoying thoughts and let me start enjoying?..