Annoying Thoughts

10 Aug

My son is 18 months.

At first I almost typed “my older son” but then figured that for now – he’s still the only son.

It still breaks my heart that he’ll be so little when the second one arrives. I feel like we’re stealing our love from him. (My friend has the opposite fears – that she won’t be able to love her second child as much as she loves her 3.5 year old daughter).

I also constantly catch myself thinking of this new baby sort of like Timothy becoming a baby again. Somehow I cannot process that it will be ANOTHER baby. That Timothy will go on getting bigger and older, and there will be someone else lying flat on their back, wearing size 1 diapers, and nursing for hours on end.

Yes, I guess you can hear it in my tone – I still feel more bogged down by the details of having another baby so soon – and struggle to connect with the baby and the pregnancy 😦 It bugs me. I want to be happy and excited. Oh well. I guess I already feel better than, say, 4 weeks ago. At least now I believe I am pregnant 🙂

For now, I am pushing aside all these thoughts: can Timothy and Pea share a bedroom? Do we need another crib or will Timothy be ready for the regular bed? Do we need a double stroller or will Timothy be happy to run along? Will we be okay, financially – this time we will be spending more since we plan to keep Timothy in daycare? How will it go at work? I am on contract, and my contract actually expires around my EDD. After my first pregnancy, they let go of the person they hired as me replacement – and took me back. I was so happy. I really doubt they will do this again. So I most likely won’t have a place to go back to after matleave… We need another car to manage two kids. We need… we need… we need…

Oh, there are so many questions, all of them have $$ attached. I just don’t want to think about it yet. But it bugs me. And affects my overall mood, unfortunately.

I am, I am very happy. Just thinking that I surpassed the whole TTC thing without ever considering it! Never had the 2ww, never had to cry about yet another month, another AF for nothing… I am happy, looking at Timothy, to think that he’ll have a sibling. That my hubby will have another child – he wants more!

But somehow the niggly details overpower all of that, and I feel like a failure. Like I am a bad mother. Like I don’t deserve all this, fearing that my little Pea will get upset and decide to leave me…

Can someone please nit-pick those annoying thoughts and let me start enjoying?..


8 Responses to “Annoying Thoughts”

  1. Mrs FF August 10, 2013 at 2:14 PM #

    You deserve this and more. Your worries are justified but don’t let it stop you from enjoying your miracle. Rather use it as a spring board to help ensure you are ready when your little pea arrives. All will be well. Sending you lots of hugs from the other end of the world xxx

    • zygotta August 12, 2013 at 4:13 PM #

      Thank you. I am sure it will get sorted out. It all eventually does. Looking back, I know that I had no immediate bond with Timothy. There was this little creature, who all of a sudden was my responsibility. That’s how I felt towards him for a long time: this highly important responsibility.
      It is hard to believe it now, when my heart bursts with love towards him – but in the beginning it usually takes time adjusting to whatever life throws at you. I have 6 months or so to adjust 🙂

  2. An Aspiring Mom to Be August 10, 2013 at 2:55 PM #

    I’m less than a month away from my due date with #2. My oldest is also 18 months. I have a lot of the same worries. I have really struggled with feeling guilty about how much I’m changing his life and the effect it will have on him. We have a really good thing going the way our family is and I’m nervous about upsetting this balance. It has really helped me to talk to other mothers of kids close in age. I’ve heard so many moms with kids close together in age say how happy they were that they had their second soon. After all, the oldest won’t remember being the only… only being part of a family. Pretty much all of them talk about how close their kids are since they both only remember being together. I’m excited about that part of things. I think it is going to be hard (I’ve also been told that the first two years with two so close is a blur!) but I think it is going to be a good thing for both my sons in the end. We’ll see though. It doesn’t quell the nerves completely. I remember being SO ready for my due date with my first son. This time around, I’m clinging to the last days without our next baby…. trying to get in lots of uninterrupted time with my husband and oldest. Maybe it is because we know what it is like to have a newborn (definitely hard at times), or because we know how much a baby changes things. I’m just really nervous. Excited… but nervous. And that just makes me feel guilty.

    • zygotta August 12, 2013 at 4:10 PM #

      Thanks you!!!
      This comment made me feel so, SO much better!
      At least I don’t feel so exasperated with my own self.
      You’re right. This time around I know what’s in store. Even worse: Timothy was (is!) such a perfect baby, that I feel certain the next one won’t be, so it’ll be much, much harder!

  3. Sam August 12, 2013 at 5:35 AM #

    Honey, I so understand this post. One of my friends at work keeps asking me when I am going to allow myself to enjoy this baby and honestly I don’t know. I thought I would allow myself once we’d passed the 12 week mark but now at 16 weeks I still find myself feeling a sense of disbelief and worrying about how I am going to managed with a very busy active toddler and a new born. How I am going to balance two kids, a husband and a full time job? Lots going on in my head. I guess the trick will be for us to take it one day at a time and just let life play itself out and to try not worry overmuch about how it’s going to work…


    • zygotta August 12, 2013 at 4:06 PM #

      Yes. At least I don’t have to worry about full-time job until baby #2 turns one. Canada has an awesome matleave support.
      But there are still so many other uncertainties… And I feel like sticking my head in the sand and pretending that nothing’s happening!

  4. babiesandus August 12, 2013 at 1:11 PM #

    Your fears are understandable and perfectly normal! I am not even pregnant with my 2nd and those same fears are already bugging me! I am sure it will pass…..

    • zygotta August 12, 2013 at 4:04 PM #

      I hope it does. It should. I has to!

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