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Not Ready?..

30 Aug

I think I finally realized what scares me so much in having another baby: I don’t feel physically ready.

I am constantly exhausted. I don’t remember the last time I slept in – and not because I can’t, no. In fact, hubby gets up early with Timothy and as far as he is concerned, I can sleep all I want; but I can’t. I simply can’t. Whether it’s a habit or what – I don’t know, but the longest I can sleep is until about 8 am.

And it’s not like I go to bed late, no. I am in bed around 10 pm usually, lights off by 10:30 pm. So even on weekdays I get over 8 hours of sleep. I have never slept that much! But I am exhausted, constantly.

And that scares me. When Timothy was born, I didn’t have much trouble waking up for the night feedings (and staying up). I was fine. I wasn’t even too sleepy. I was there, in the dark, relaxing, nursing. Well – maybe mot the first 3 or so weeks while nursing still hurt, but then it was all relaxing. Get up nurse, crawl back into bed, sleep.

Now I worry that I won’t have that level of energy. I won’t be that peaceful, go-with-the-flow mom. I worry that I will be a nerve wreck. I fear that I won’t have patience for the baby. Especially if the new baby turns out to be a difficult one.

And with looking after Timothy and being pregnant, I just don’t see how I can get rested enough before baby #2 arrives. I hope that it’s still the first trimester tiredness lingering, that it will pass… but I worry.

I am at home today, alone. Timothy is in daycare, hubby at work… and all I wanna do – is do nothing. I sat in front of my computer, then in front of TV watching How To Train Your Dragon. I ate in between. I forced myself to start some laundry. But overall – I would be quite happy to sit and stare at the wall. I don’t wanna do anything. I want to sleep but I can’t. I’m so, so tired. All the time.

I hope it passes over the next couple of weeks as trimester #2 kicks in… but what if it doesn’t? How will I ever get ready for baby #2?..

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First Movement?

27 Aug

I was having lunch with my colleagues when I felt it.

It was not gas, I’m sure. Gas usually moves from point A to point B. And it often is uncomfortable or downright painful. This felt more like a bubble turning around. Like a baby turning from one side to the other, in its sleep. Like it was with Timothy.

Now, internet generally says you can’t feel a baby at 12 weeks, it’s too small. Just about 2.5 inches. But then internet says most women start feeling movement around 20 weeks. With Timothy, I felt first movement at 15 weeks. And this is my second pregnancy, so I know much better what to be looking for. And if you ask me, something 2.5 inches long moving inside you doesn’t sound all that hard to feel.

I think that was it. The first baby movement. I am pregnant, I guess :p

12 Weeks

26 Aug

12 weeks. End of trimester one, according to some sources.

Bump is definitely here – cannot suck it in any longer. It’s not big, but definitely there.

I am in a hurry to get my share of sleeping on my belly while I still can. It already is getting a bit uncomfortable. I already need to bend a knee, propping myself up a bit to the side.

Boobs are sore. Now. It’s weird. Last time the growth and soreness happened much, much earlier and was gone by this time. Boobs are definitely getting bigger, too.

Am not as tired all the time, but physical activity exhausts me – like spending an hour at a playground with Timothy. Cause I have to climb with him everywhere. And go down some of the taller slides with him.

I wonder what we’re having? A boy or a girl?

I wonder what the new baby will be like. An easy baby like Timothy? A nightmare with colic, gas, teeth, rashes, etc?

I am still trying to shake off that deja vu feeling. I am pregnant again. Just as I started working – again. Expecting a baby in late winter – again. The matleave months will be almost the same. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not a repeat of Timothy. It’s a new baby – and Timothy is an additional factor in this whole scenario.

I will have two kids. I will have to learn to juggle them. To figure out how to get quality time with them both. The sleeping arrangements. The daycare pickup while having the new baby – perhaps sleeping or whaling or whatever. I never got out of the house if Timothy was cranky. I’ll have to now.

It’s a whole different game now which I don’t know how to play – yet.

Good thing I have 6 more months.

Ultrasound

22 Aug

Had my NT scan ultrasound.

The appointment was 1.5 hours late. And it was SOOOOO cold in the waiting room I was practically shivering! The u/s tech gave me a sheet to wrap around my shoulders once I came in for the u/s.

I won’t know the results until I see my doctor in 2.5 weeks.

All I know is that when the tech turned the monitor towards me in the end of the u/s – my baby waved at me 🙂

11 weeks

18 Aug

According to my self-proclaimed EDD, today marks 11 weeks.

I found one more reason to go for c-section: in the hospitals, priority is given to c-sections and twins, when distributing single-rooms. I would really hate sharing a room with another sleepless baby and never-ending stream of nurses not only to my and baby’s beds – but to theirs, too.

As I was pushing the stroller towards a nearby playground, wearing my new maternity capri jeans, I all of a sudden realized that I seem to have found my peace. I felt so blissfully pregnant in that moment, in sink with the budding life inside my belly, a happy momma waiting for an addition to the family.

I think I finally fully believe that I am pregnant, we’ll have a baby in early March, and the absence of spotting over the past 4-5 days helps me breathe.

I think it took me much longer to relax with the first pregnancy – probably the twice-a-day progesterone suppositories were a powerful reminder of my malfunctioning body. I think having gotten pregnant on my own this time around, it is easier to believe in the abilities of your own reproductive system.

I don’t trust my system enough to attempt natural birth, though. I did not enjoy the pain, too (I couldn’t get an epidural for ages). And I am not the type that embraces epidural-free natural birth. That simply is not for me. Maybe my pain is stronger than that of an average woman, maybe I am a wuss, whatever the reason is – I don’t think I want to experience that again.

Oh, and the memories of the size of my baby boy (10 pounds) – and his head, especially (36 cm) gives me chills to this day. THIS was trying to get through WHERE???..

Anyhow. I am happy with my newly found peace. I hope it stays with me.