Tag Archives: Just life

Marley & Me

31 Jan

I watched Marley & Me today. I was pleasantly surprised – I expected it to be a shallow romantic comedy, but it was more than that. But that’s beyond the point.

The point is, it made me cry. There is this scene where they come for their first 10-week ultrasound. First, the technician couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler. And then she proceeds to do the u/s and, changing in face, excuses herself, comes back with the doctor who breaks the news: there’s no heartbeat and no baby.

I was bawling. Hugging my belly and telling my baby boy inside there how much I love him and how grateful I am to have him, to pass all those early ultrasounds – seeing just a pixel of heartbeat going on and off at 6 weeks, seeing beginnings of arms and legs at 8 weeks, and then even seeing him move and wiggle his limbs at 10 weeks… and then, of course, feeling him move around. All the way to now – feeling his big rolls and stretches. I cried and cried (I was home alone), telling him how we both – mommy and daddy – love him and cannot wait to meet him.

Hugs to all of you who had to go through this in real life. You are very brave and you deserve better. And I do believe – you will get there.

Humbly yours, Zygotta.

39 Weeks

30 Jan

Huh, I am obviously ready to transition over to the next stage. I think for the first time I forgot to post the “week number so-and-so” post on time! A few times, I posted late – but never because I forgot.

So there you are – reaching 39 weeks finally did it. I forgot to post about it. I was preoccupied with painting, watching movies (I recently discovered you can get movies for free in your local library – which just happens to be across the street), shopping for some furniture at Ikea…

People are starting to annoy me. I though usually everyone starts asking you “any news yet?” after you pass your EDD. But no. I get emails and calls on a daily basis now. Cheerfully asking “how are you feeling? any progress? any news?” People, I am still a week away from even my EDD – and then it is pretty common to go a few days over!

I assure everyone I will let them know. I inform them we’ve created a mailing list and an email will go out as soon as we have news to share. I started asking people to not ask me the question. Argh.

The furniture we bought in Ikea yesterday ( we need more storage in the nursery) barely fit into our car. After playing tetris with the boxes, car seat that we already installed, some junk in the trunk, me and hubby, I ended up in the passenger seat pushed forward to the point that I was leaning forward, the top of my head in contact with the roof of the car (bumping on each pothole which are plentiful this time of the year), my knees squeezed between the seat and the panel. Baby didn’t appreciate this weird position and kicked me all the way home (which, thankfully, is only about 10 minutes). My hubby said that now I know how cramped our baby must feel inside 🙂

Why did I leave my driving license at home??? I could’ve been driving, having squeezed my hubby in the passenger seat…

Anyway… I feel kind of sorry for my baby. I think he should be happy to get out and be able to stretch his legs and arms 😉 Well, soon enough 😉 For now – watching movies while bouncing on a yoga ball, a lunch date in an Indian restaurant. We should also try sex. Especially since, from all I am hearing, there will be no sex for at least 6 weeks post-partum…

But I am not rushing my baby. I just hope he doesn’t stay too long past my EDD.

And since I didn’t gain ANY weight over the past 4 weeks, I am misbehaving. Ice-cream, nutella and bread all around. It’s a feast!

I got tagged to tell you about myself

25 Jan

Tanya tagged me in this fun game of tag.


  1. Post these rules
  2. You must post 11 random things about yourself
  3. Answer the questions set for you in their post
  4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer
  5. Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them
  6. Tag 11 people


My 11 Random Things:

  1. When I was a tween, I intended to become a writer. I wrote a few children books, some of which I find quite good even today. As a teen, I moved on to drawing comics with me as the main character, fantasizing about boys 😉 Now all I write is blogs. Well, and presentations and reports for work…
  2. Over the course of my life, I lived in 5 different countries for extended periods of time.
  3. I know 4 languages – 2 very fluent, one is more of a “read and understand”, one is purely conversational. I can read it, but can’t stand having to read more than a couple of sentences, it drives me insane.
  4. I have outstandingly strong nails. I clip them when they get too long to type comfortably. I haven’t had short nails since I was about 12. I am going to cut them in the next few days prior to my baby’s arrival. That’s gonna be weird for me.
  5. I loved geometry and algebra in school. Never used them since – cannot remember any of the trigonometry stuff any longer.
  6. I love everything to do with publishing and printing. I absolutely have to be the first one to open a freshly arrived magazine. I cannot used e-readers – I need to hold a book, see and feel its quality.
  7. I met Queen Elizabeth II.
  8. I cannot make myself go to a gym or for a run. Exercising is the most boring, dreadful thing on earth for me. I prefer watching my food intake and weighing myself regularly.
  9. I’ve been drawing and painting as long as I can remember myself. I drew LOTS in my late teens. I even attempted a graphic design career (studied for one year and then had to drop it). I still enjoy painting and doing other creative projects with my hands – mosaics, applications, etc.
  10. I have the longest sweet tooth you have ever seen. I love, love, LOVE sweets. Pastries, dark chocolate, flan cakes… Almost anything!
  11. I like walking. When visiting other places, the best thing for me is to get out and start walking, soaking in the views, listening to locals, inhaling the smells, taking pictures, keeping notes for my travel blog. I can walk for hours like that.


My 11 Random Questions from Tanya:

  1. Do you have a favorite website that you check out everyday? If so, what website? My email and my blogs and blogs I read. Well, and facebook.
  2. Did you have any pets growing up? Parrots. My sister is allergic to fur, so parrots were the only option. I found them quite boring – you can’t even really pet them.
  3. Do you have any funny stories about moving? God, I moved about 20 times in my life… Funny stories? Once the movers brought all the boxes and furniture and left, and alarm went off in one of the boxes. Boxes were a few rows deep, a few boxes tall. And it was the kind of alarm that only shuts up when you press the button (or when the battery dies). It took me a while to find which of the boxes was ringing and get to the alarm.
  4. What is your favorite room in your house and why? Living room. It’s bright and spacious enough for both me and my hubby to sit companionably together, in the same room, doing different things.
  5. Where would you go if you could travel anywhere in the world? That’s a tough question – I traveled so much. Perhaps, Easter Island.
  6. Who is the most influential person in your life? I don’t have influential people. I don’t idolize people. Certain deeds inspire me, but not people.
  7. What is your favorite thing to watch on TV? I don’t watch TV. I don’t even have cable.
  8. When do you go to bed? Get up? I got to bed between 11 and 12. If I have to go to work, I wake up at 7-7:30. If not – around 9.
  9. What is your idea of a dream date? (Money is not an issue.) Hmmm. Never thought about it. An open-air restaurant somewhere in Europe on a warm seashore.
  10. What is your least favorite food? Bony meat – wings and ribs. Because it’s too messy.
  11. What was your favorite subject in school? Algebra and geometry.

The 11 People I’m Tagging:

  1. Artist Mouse
  2. ifserenitynow
  3. Eighteenyears’s Blog
  4. babiesandus
  5. Jess
  6.   rs. E
  7. St Elsewhere
  8. Shannon
  9. China Doll
  10. ababymakingdiary
  11. buckupbuttercup.net

My random questions:

  1. What was your most memorable travel destination? Why?
  2. Tell a story of how you met someone famous
  3. What was your greatest fear in childhood?
  4. If there was one thing about your appearance that you could change, what would that be?
  5. What skill are you most proud of?
  6. Who did you wanna become when you grow up?
  7. Is there a household chore that you enjoy?
  8. What book did you enjoy the most over the past year?
  9. Show a picture that captures one of your best memories
  10. If someone gave you a year-long paid sabbatical, what would you do?
  11. Tell about the place you live in (city, neighbourhood, country… make it as big or as precise as you wish)
Looking forward to reading more about you 😉

Lots of Parcels

20 Jan

Yesterday the big package arrived – a bday present for my hubby. I got him a keyboard (piano) – he’s getting more and more into music and I am certain he’ll love it. The problem was figuring out a good spot to hide it. So we (my baby-in-the-belly and I) brought it to the top floor and hid it in a closet in the nursery. It was heavy, but not too heavy.

Today my photobook arrived. I spent quite a number of hours putting together pictures and texts – stories behind those pictures. 3.5 years, 220 pages, countless hours laying it all out, editing, proofreading… And it all arrived today – and I LOVE it! I am glad I finally did it. If not now, when?

Baby ear thermometer also arrived today – I ordered it from Costco. Every other retailer in Canada sells them at 80 bucks + taxes (which are 13% here); at Costco it was $60, shipping included. Now I have a thermometer 😉

I also bought some small canvases to paint pictures for the nursery. I intend to copy the animals from the curtains to create a “theme”.

My hubby assembled the crib yesterday evening. I attached the mobile to it today.

Things are getting more and more real, closer and closer…

And here are a few spreads from my photobook:

Hubbies of Pregnant Wives

16 Dec

I often see questions in online forums from heavily pregnant women, asking for advice on how to satisfy their hubbies that complain the sex life became too boring. I always feel like giving a slap to those hubbies. Seriously? This woman is carrying your baby and you complain about sex getting a bit bland? You complain about lack of sex games and narrow variety of poses? REALLY? Newsflash for you: for many pregnant couples sex is out of bounds for the whole 9 months. And for those who can do it – it’s a chore. Seriously, turning from the left side to the right side in the middle of the night makes me sigh and grunt. And you complain about sex positions?..

I realized I don’t spend much time talking about my hubby here – and he deserves more than that! Yes, I knew I married a wonderful, caring person – but the way he supports me throughout this journey to motherhood doesn’t seize to fill me with gratitude and more love.

Take the now – 7.5 months pregnant – lots of things are hard and tiring. He took over cleaning, vacuuming, and loading/unloading of the dishwasher (the repeated leaning/bowing is killing my back). He never says a word about no food in the fridge, no lunch to take to work. And he never forgets to thank me for a quick bowl of boiled perogies. And he can even cook something occasionally.

He never says a word if I spend a whole day doing nothing but hugging my laptop.

When I have my hormonal moments, he just leaves me alone. He doesn’t get mad at me. He doesn’t tell me I’m misbehaving. He just withdraws until I return to my normal self. I don’t have many of those moments these days, but the first trimester was fairly roller-coastery.

He forces me to go to bed earlier if he sees I am tired. He tries to take over as much chores as he can – and as many household questions (calling to inquire about a bill, things like that).

He offers to pick me up at the subway station if I’m coming home later than he does. He brings me flowers and treats. He hugs me and pampers me – and my belly.

Literally, he does everything to create a calm and worry-free environment for me – and our baby.

And while I keep telling him just how much I notice and appreciate all these things – there’s no way for me to express it enough. I am blessed to have him as a husband. I am very happy to have him as the father of my baby.

Let It Snow!

9 Dec

It is snowing – finally! Well, “light flurries” according to the weather network. What an abnormal weather we are enjoying this year! A week ago it was still +10C. This will be a story to share with our baby boy.

I always hear the story of the snowy winter my mom was pregnant with me – one night so much snow fell, that my dad with three neighbours cooperated to dig out one of their cars and carpool to work (cars were covered with snow up to their roofs).

And when my sister was pregnant with her second one, there was an unusually warm fall – even in November she would still occasionally lounge outside in the backyard.

So the year I am pregnant, we’ve enjoyed an unusually warm fall, too. But I am ready for some snow now – it’s xmas time! We already bought the tree (not decorated yet) and the music is on. I even already had my corporate xmas party. Snow is the missing element!

While I was typing this, it stopped snowing. But at least it did snow, even if a bit, even if for a short little while. Having a winter due date, I am excited for the winter to come. Maybe for the first time ever 😉

Fall Blues

17 Oct

Fall has officially arrived. It is COLD out there!!!

The sun rises so late now, I can’t wake up. I hit snooze like 5 times this morning and finally extracted myself from bed around 7:40 and realized it is time to turn the heat on in our house. It was miserably cold.

Now I need to cook but can’t find any energy.

It’s kind of… blah.

But then my favourite cortland apples hit the stores.

I had a cup of very hot coffee this morning with my favourite breakfast sandwiches: fresh baguette spread with butter, topped with apple-smoked salmon (and by that time it got bright outside, so the mood improved!)

The fall colours are amazing – from greens to celery-greens to yellows to cocktail-cherry-reds.

My hubby is waiting for Halloween – he loves the holiday, for whatever reason.

My SIL is coming to visit soon.

My baby is kicking and his birth date is approaching quicker and quicker.

All in all, life’s still good. Even when no one lends you a sit on a street car, averting their eyes, pretending not to see your bump.

How I Became a Happy Person (You Can, Too)

9 Aug

4 years ago I was very unhappy – and then I did something that really turned my life around. You can do it, too – that’s why I want to share it with you. This post is a bit long, but you know what? Read it, it’s worth it.

I was in a dead-end marriage, with a husband who was feeding me lots of bullshit, doing everything possible to prevent us from having kids (not that we had much chance, as it turned out later). I was sad, unhappy. My job was stressful and demanding, and I was farely new in Toronto and didn’t have real close friends to share these feelings with, to ask advice. I was lonely and lost.

That’s when I read, in one of the blogs I follow, about a 100-day-dreaming exercise (or so I called it).

The idea is simple: for 100 days, every day, twice a day, you spend at least 5 minutes writing down your dreams. Now, when I say “writing down”, I don’t mean creating a shopping list of goals. I mean writing down what passes through your head. How you see those dreams. In details, with lots of adjectives and adverbs. That blogger promised that the universe will hear you and help you.

So I figured: what the heck? Why not? And decided to do it.

When I started, my first entries held lots and lots of dreams, small and big, poorly described. They did look more like shopping lists. As the days went by though, some of my dreams captivated my imagination – my heart. I started exploring them, spelling out what “being loved” actually means to me – how I want to be held, looked at, communicated with, etc. How I wanted to be appreciated at work, encouraged, celebrated even. And so on.

The other dreams from those early entries, at the same time, started taking second, third, fourth place… and disappearing from my daily entries altogether. They obviously weren’t all that important as I discovered.

Now, I didn’t do this for 100 days – only for about 25. I felt like I had nothing more to add – so well, so thoroughly did I describe everything I really wanted. But I was very diligent about doing it twice a day – and I typically spent more than 5 minutes per session (my daily commute to work came in handy there).

So I finished those writings and put them in a drawer. And almost forgot about them – until I came across them about a year later.

Imagine, how shocked I was, when I realized that about 90% of those dreams came true!!! Maybe not exactly the way I expected them to, but they did!

My ex didn’t fall back in love with me (surprise, surprise). But we finally split up and I met a new guy who embodied ALL of the things I was dreaming of. I felt so loved, so important, so cared for – it took my breath away – and exactly the way I wanted it to be. So dream came to live a bit differently than I expected, but the main thing happened: I became loved.

I gained 2 real close friends.

I lost weight and was extremely happy with the way I looked and felt.

Funny thing: I almost cursed myself when I read me work-related dreams: I actually said there that I didn’t care about promotions and salary raises – but I really wanted to be appreciated, celebrated and recognized – and that was exactly what happened. Everyone was singing odes to me, but my raise was abysmal 🙂 (I fixed that with another round of 100-day-dreaming the following year and got promoted and salary raised).

Now, I don’t really believe in magic. Or – in pure magic. I think what really happened here, was that instead of mopping around, I really focused on what is it that I want, and how I want it. I visualized it. I also prioritized my dreams and goals. And because of that they became sort of “top level awareness” for me. As I went about my life, I subconsciously made decisions that brought me closer to my goals – because my subconscious was properly briefed on what I want, so to speak.

It’s important to be honest with yourself when you write these. Example. If, as you write about really wanting a promotion, you feel a fear that you might not be ready for it and scared of getting promoted only to get fired – write about it. Explore this fear. And find what you really want.

PS In the middle of that first year, there was an excruciatingly unhappy period. I won’t go into details, but it was really black. And then – life changed. And kept getting better with every passing year.

And I keep returning to this exercise about once a year 🙂 It’s not always as successful as that first year (when 90% came to life) – but that’s because my dreams are now longer-term. They simply cannot happen in one year. But I definitely am moving in the right direction.

Be happy, all!

I Want to Feel Joyous

29 Jul

I was reading a blog entry today, where memories of going to a prenatal yoga class were shared – the joyous feeling of being pregnant – when I thought: why don’t I feel joyous?

I realized that I live in constant fear. It’s gnawing at me slowly from the insight. Just this night, I had a dream of an enormous bleeding “fountaining” out of me. I woke up immediately and, before even thinking, checked: all dry, all normal.


I was talking to my friend about being pregnant, and she interrupted me saying – oh, you guys probably feel so giddy and happy! And I paused mid-sentence – no, we don’t.

I can’t explain it – but my fears and worries are so intense, I still don’t let myself get too attached to the idea of being pregnant. Half of me still doesn’t believe this is happening – and that I am that far along.

I always imagined pregnancy as this quiet happy introspective period, when all your thoughts are focused on the miracle happening inside you.

I am happy, in a way – thanks to my hubby. He makes it very easy for me, he makes extra-sure not to upset me and not to bother me. He plays guitar and sings lullabies to my belly every night.

But I am making myself unhappy.

Sure, in part that’s because my best friend miscarried 4 times. Emotionally, I lived through her struggles. I am an emotional sponge like this, I always “live” through others’ experiences, taking them waaaay too close to heart. So when I realized I am having problems getting pregnant, too – I guess I immediately decided I just might follow her steps… And this fear never let me go.

I want to get rid of it. I want to shake it off strongly, inhale deeply, look at my belly and talk to it. And go shopping in the baby section. And start planning the nursery. And go crazy – letting the idea sink in: we ARE going to have a baby.

Yesterday, despite the fact we don’t have the nuchal u/s results, we decided it is time to start telling people. We started with the family. My mom cried. I was so touched.

And I hope that sharing pregnancy with the world will help me believe that I am pregnant and all is well. I hope that others – who don’t know of our struggles – just might help me feel more certain. Feel joyous.

Welcome to Hell

21 Jul

It’s hell here today. The hottest day on record or so. It’s 38 degrees (101 Fahrenheit) in SHADOW. With humidex – feels like 48. And there is a strong wind. Hot wind. You know how when you open an oven, a wave of hot air hits your face? That’s the wind we have here today.

It’s insane. I have never experienced such intense heat in Canada. My air conditioner is unable to lower the temperature below 78 degrees. Yeah, it gets lower during the night, but with the sun out – forget it.

I’ll take 78 and NORMAL humidity. That definitely beats the 101 heat (which really feels like 121, humidity taken into account) with the scorching wind.


The buses barely cope with the heat. The a/c is on, but since the bus has to open its doors every few minutes to let the passengers in/out – it barely helps.

“Welcome to hell”, – said the ticket guy at the ticketing booth in the subway.

And it ain’t getting much better anytime soon.