Tag Archives: week 13

Not Ready?..

30 Aug

I think I finally realized what scares me so much in having another baby: I don’t feel physically ready.

I am constantly exhausted. I don’t remember the last time I slept in – and not because I can’t, no. In fact, hubby gets up early with Timothy and as far as he is concerned, I can sleep all I want; but I can’t. I simply can’t. Whether it’s a habit or what – I don’t know, but the longest I can sleep is until about 8 am.

And it’s not like I go to bed late, no. I am in bed around 10 pm usually, lights off by 10:30 pm. So even on weekdays I get over 8 hours of sleep. I have never slept that much! But I am exhausted, constantly.

And that scares me. When Timothy was born, I didn’t have much trouble waking up for the night feedings (and staying up). I was fine. I wasn’t even too sleepy. I was there, in the dark, relaxing, nursing. Well – maybe mot the first 3 or so weeks while nursing still hurt, but then it was all relaxing. Get up nurse, crawl back into bed, sleep.

Now I worry that I won’t have that level of energy. I won’t be that peaceful, go-with-the-flow mom. I worry that I will be a nerve wreck. I fear that I won’t have patience for the baby. Especially if the new baby turns out to be a difficult one.

And with looking after Timothy and being pregnant, I just don’t see how I can get rested enough before baby #2 arrives. I hope that it’s still the first trimester tiredness lingering, that it will pass… but I worry.

I am at home today, alone. Timothy is in daycare, hubby at work… and all I wanna do – is do nothing. I sat in front of my computer, then in front of TV watching How To Train Your Dragon. I ate in between. I forced myself to start some laundry. But overall – I would be quite happy to sit and stare at the wall. I don’t wanna do anything. I want to sleep but I can’t. I’m so, so tired. All the time.

I hope it passes over the next couple of weeks as trimester #2 kicks in… but what if it doesn’t? How will I ever get ready for baby #2?..

First Movement?

27 Aug

I was having lunch with my colleagues when I felt it.

It was not gas, I’m sure. Gas usually moves from point A to point B. And it often is uncomfortable or downright painful. This felt more like a bubble turning around. Like a baby turning from one side to the other, in its sleep. Like it was with Timothy.

Now, internet generally says you can’t feel a baby at 12 weeks, it’s too small. Just about 2.5 inches. But then internet says most women start feeling movement around 20 weeks. With Timothy, I felt first movement at 15 weeks. And this is my second pregnancy, so I know much better what to be looking for. And if you ask me, something 2.5 inches long moving inside you doesn’t sound all that hard to feel.

I think that was it. The first baby movement. I am pregnant, I guess :p

Spreading the Joy

1 Aug

We started spreading the joy on Thursday – we started telling people we’re expecting a baby.

You know what, I like the way it sounds: “expecting a baby”. It sounds more certain, more positive, than “pregnant”.

Anyway, sharing feels nice. It makes it feel real. Not in our heads. Not a figment of imagination.

My mom got emotional and cried.

My niece (she’s 5) is very excited – she’s in that age when she is getting interested in pregnancy and babies and The Question “where babies come from” 🙂

I got very warm congratulatory emails from my SIL – we emailed each other pretty much all day today. I shared the details of how we got pregnant. She was very happy for us – and very happy indeed we still intend to go visit them in the fall.

My other SIL sent a warm note urging my hubby to take good care of me 🙂

My step-daughter is uber-excited, too – and can’t wait to see belly pics. Apparently, she’s obsessed with pregnant bumps 🙂

I also called my grandma – she was very happy for me and guessed I am having a girl since there was almost no morning sickness to speak of. We shall see. She was a bit sad she won’t be able to see me this year. She’s almost 86… But at least she’s happy for me. She really was against me having kids in my first marriage – she confessed later she always knew we weren’t meant for each other…

The baby starts to get more real. This is happening. I am going to be a mom. How weird is that???

We will start telling our friends next week 🙂

I Want to Feel Joyous

29 Jul

I was reading a blog entry today, where memories of going to a prenatal yoga class were shared – the joyous feeling of being pregnant – when I thought: why don’t I feel joyous?

I realized that I live in constant fear. It’s gnawing at me slowly from the insight. Just this night, I had a dream of an enormous bleeding “fountaining” out of me. I woke up immediately and, before even thinking, checked: all dry, all normal.


I was talking to my friend about being pregnant, and she interrupted me saying – oh, you guys probably feel so giddy and happy! And I paused mid-sentence – no, we don’t.

I can’t explain it – but my fears and worries are so intense, I still don’t let myself get too attached to the idea of being pregnant. Half of me still doesn’t believe this is happening – and that I am that far along.

I always imagined pregnancy as this quiet happy introspective period, when all your thoughts are focused on the miracle happening inside you.

I am happy, in a way – thanks to my hubby. He makes it very easy for me, he makes extra-sure not to upset me and not to bother me. He plays guitar and sings lullabies to my belly every night.

But I am making myself unhappy.

Sure, in part that’s because my best friend miscarried 4 times. Emotionally, I lived through her struggles. I am an emotional sponge like this, I always “live” through others’ experiences, taking them waaaay too close to heart. So when I realized I am having problems getting pregnant, too – I guess I immediately decided I just might follow her steps… And this fear never let me go.

I want to get rid of it. I want to shake it off strongly, inhale deeply, look at my belly and talk to it. And go shopping in the baby section. And start planning the nursery. And go crazy – letting the idea sink in: we ARE going to have a baby.

Yesterday, despite the fact we don’t have the nuchal u/s results, we decided it is time to start telling people. We started with the family. My mom cried. I was so touched.

And I hope that sharing pregnancy with the world will help me believe that I am pregnant and all is well. I hope that others – who don’t know of our struggles – just might help me feel more certain. Feel joyous.

Horrendous Hospital Service

28 Jul

So today was my nuchal ultrasound. I had my appointment slip and a time slot booked in my calendar for 7 am. Last night, a hospital secretary left a voicemail on my phone, reminding me I have a 6:30 am ultrasound – and to please come with full bladder.

6:30 am?? I called back. The hospital front desk picked up. I started explaining the reason for my call and then realized they transferred me without saying a word. Click! I am talking into a void. And once transferred, no one answered.

Ok. I’ll come at 6:30 am. No biggy, right?


I woke up at 5:30 am (!!!), drank the liter of water, got ready and we drove to the hospital.

“You are early” – commented the front desk clerk. I paused: “what do you mean?” She raised her head: “well, they don’t open until 7 am”

You have GOT to be kidding me. Why the f*** do you tell me to come at 6:30 – with a full bladder!!! – if you don’t even open until 7 am???

I didn’t say this to the front desk woman. I only smiled weakly and said I hope I don’t pee in my pants. And then I was jumping and jogging by the ultrasound lab’s door. I was almost crying, I wanted to pee so badly. It started to hurt. I couldn’t even think of the actual ultrasound – I mean, they’re pressing on you stomach there!

And what do you think? When they finally showed up (five minuted PAST 7 am), they shrugged their shoulders: “go pee. We don’t need your full bladder”.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I really felt like whoever left that voicemail the night before, was a woman-hater sadist.Making me come half an hour early with full bladder for no reason at all???

I peed, we got down to the ultrasound business. It turns out they DON’T tell you the results right away. They send them to you ob-gyn. Like a week or two later. Great. So I spent about 10 days with her pressing my belly, asking me to cough and do other weird stuff trying to make baby turn.

And then it turned out my blood test is also today, not a few weeks later as I was told.

So I went to this waiting room, got my number in line (9! yay!), read a sign saying that someone will call my number and sat down to read a book.

30 minutes went by, 40, 50… I haven’t heard anyone calling anyone.

It turned out they had only one nurse and two lines (this being a hospital, urgent people were coming in). The nurse decided she is too busy to go calling people, so she just didn’t. With no warning or announcement. I was soooo aggravated – I waited for 1.5 hours for a simple blood test! Outrageous. And no, I didn’t miss my place in line (well, only a bit… #10 went in front of me).

I am disgusted with St. Joseph’s Hospital in Etobicoke. I really felt like they are sadists who make things purposely aggravating and irritating. And I am to give birth there!!! I am having second thoughts.

And I am considering filing a complaint. The morning incident with me almost peeing my pants was really inhumane. But I really doubt it will make any difference. In those huge places people feel safely untraceable. It’s impossible to establish who is to blame.

Nuchal… telling at work… progesterone… general worries…

27 Jul

Why, why can’t I just relaxed? The whole ride home in the streetcar, I felt all wet between my legs and was freaking out that I am miscarrying. Not only wasn’t there any blood upon arrival home – my underwear wasn’t even wet!

My nuchal u/s is tomorrow. I pray to god there won’t be delays! Last time I had to drink for my u/s a few years back, I almost peed my pants – and there even wasn’t any line! But, of course, what I really pray for – is healthy baby. And I still don’t know whether I will find out the results on the spot or not. I posted a question on the baby centre yesterday (the Canadian one) and it seems like it was different for everyone. In some cases the results went back to ob-gyn – and they had to find out the results there. Since I am in-between fertility clinic and ob-gyn (whom I haven’t met yet) – I am not even sure where would the results go!

I am 12 and a half weeks. I was sitting in meetings today – my big boss from the head office was visiting. I really like him, he has a big vision and he’s really making things happen – and he gets involved. And I felt real bad every time he was passionately talking how “we” will do this and that next year… Once I have my nuchal results, I’ll have to tell at work. It sucks, I feel like such a traitor – they just hired me 2 months ago!

And I am just so ridiculously scared of sharing the pregnancy news with everyone. I feel like sharing it will jinx my pregnancy. Stupid, I know – nevertheless, that worries me…

On a somewhat positive note, today is the last day I am taking 3 progesterone suppositories a day. For the next week my dose goes down to 2 suppositories a day (or 400 ml or mg… not sure). The following week it will be one a day, and then – c’est tout (fr.) I’ll  keep the two evening ones and discontinue the morning pill. I am tired of being worried during my commute that I might urgently need to use a bathroom.

Butterfly or Gas?

25 Jul

This morning I was on the streetcar, going to work – very tired and sleepy. I was determined to finish a suspense book yesterday evening, so went to bed real late (well… it used to be my normal bedtime once upon a time…so maybe not real late) – and we had a pretty bad thunderstorm that woke me up and kept me awake for a while in the middle of the night.

So I was sitting there in the streetcar, feeling sleepy, flipping through the newspaper when I felt it.

I know, I am 12w1d, what the hell am I talking about?

I don’t know. Maybe I am talking about gas. Are you interested in my talking about gas? 🙂 But seeing as I became real close and personal with gas lately (thanks, progesterone!), I doubt this was gas.

What it was… it felt like a small ball – or a bubble – making a slow rotation movement somewhere where the top of my uterus is right now.

And I know where it is: my book says at 12 weeks if you press just above the pubic bone, you’ll feel the top of the uterus. I won’t say i felt it with my hand – but I definitely felt something the size of a grapefruit shift inside me. So I know where the top of my uterus is.

And all the u/s so far showed the baby at the very top of the uterus.

And gas doesn’t usually feel so gentle. And it doesn’t “rotate” in one place – typically, it moves along my tortured intestines, trying in vain to find an escape route.

So there you go. I have no idea whether this was gas, or something else – or I actually felt my baby for the first time, but I am keeping this memory. I hope as I go along, later on, I will be able to tell what it was. Can’t wait for my nuchal on Thursday to see the baby – and maybe hear the heartbeat? I still haven’t heard it. Only saw it on the screen…

12 Weeks

24 Jul

Somehow I am not very certain today. All symptoms are gone. No more bloating, no more breast pains, no more round ligament pains. The only thing left – sleepiness. 10 pm is my bedtime. Like when I was 7 years old. I know, many symptoms are supposed to disappear, second trimester is supposed to be the golden time. But I thought second trimester starts at 14 weeks?14 weeks for 1st, 13 weeks for 2nd, 13 for the third trimester – 40 in total?

I am anxiously waiting for my nuchal u/s this coming Thursday. To see the baby, the heartbeat, the movements – and, of course, to find out whether everything is okay genetics-wise. Last u/s the baby was 3 days behind. Will the fears ever subside?..

I guess I will be restless then until I start to feel the kicks… Now that I graduated from the fertility clinic, there won’t be u/s every other week any longer.

I don’t know when we will have the nuchal u/s results. The same day? The following day? A week later? I know those will be preliminary results, there will be blood tests a few weeks later, but even after the u/s they give chances of Daune (sp?) syndrome. We decided to wait breaking the news to our families until after we got those probabilities.

I don’t know why I feel so down and blue. I hope it passes soon. I hope Thursday will be great.