On blogoversary, periods, and back-or-not to TTC

Today is my blogoversary. I started this blog on March 2011, wondering how long it will take me to get pregnant. Wondering if I will be able to get pregnant. It actually got resolved relatively quickly and easily. In February 2012 my son was born.

Funny thing, I was soooo ready to jump right back into baby-making – right after giving birth. And I was so mad that due to having had c-section,I wasn’t allowed to get preggo until Timothy turned 9 months. And I didn’t get my period until Timothy turned 10 months anyway.

But that is all irrelevant. Because now that Timothy is one year old, I actually am not sure I am ready for TTC now. It’s long. it’s tiring. It’s scary.

Timothy started daycare a month ago and we have both been sick for the most part since. I am still breastfeeding him, so most drugs are still off-limits for me. Somehow that was what prompted this whole “not now” line of thinking.

I want to be me, if only for a short time. To be able to drink and not think that I am nursing, or that I am pregnant, or that I might be pregnant. To take pills for headache. To take pills when I am sick and desperately need to catch some sleep, or to suppress this cough. It’s been a looooooong time. First TTC, then pregnancy, then nursing… and it’s still going. I am not ready to plunge into another 3 or more years of this right away.

I know, it might get even tougher, the older Timothy gets, the farther away we move from babyhood.

But right now I just cannot wrap my head around going through all of this, again…

That being said, we’re having unprotected sex. because you know what – if we manage to get pregnant on our own – so be it!

But I am not holding my breath.

My first postpartum period I got when Timothy was 10 months old. It was a good, painless period, only 5 days long (used to be 8). Great, huh? Well, on CD 14 I started spotting – and spotted for 3 weeks. Some days it went stronger, some days a barely-there-pink. the walk-in doctor said it’s the breastfeeding hormones colliding with period hormones, make my body go crazy (as if it weren’t crazy enough already). So 1 week of period, 1 week of quiet, 3 weeks of spotting, then another couple of weeks of quiet – then another period. So my first cycle was 6 weeks long.

There was no spotting in the second cycle, and it also was about 6 weeks long.

Then my third cycle was 3 weeks long. Started as spotting and turned into a weird period, really light in volume, but definitely a period.

And that’s it so far.

It’s still better than when I went off the BC pill in spring 2010 and did not have periods at all. At least this time around I do have periods. And they are pain-free! But due to their wacky nature and unpredictable timing… yeah, my PCOS is still there and I am not holding my breath, expecting to get preggo on my own.

So there you go. Sex is unprotected, but I am not ready to honestly try to have a baby now. Perhaps towards the end of the year… I will be 34 in May. I am not too old to rush it like crazy, especially now that I have doubts I want 3 kids. Let’s take it one step at a time, okay?..

Perhaps

Yes, I know I started a new blog (see my previous post). But I also said I will keep this one asleep until I jump back into baby-making.

No, I am not making babies yet.

But – I finally got my period! Timothy is 9 months. Considering that my major problem with getting preggo was the absence of period, I actually am happy to get it back!

And it wasn’t painful. Perhaps it won’t be painful from now on?

Perhaps it won’t be 8 days long?

Perhaps it will be regular?

Perhaps I will be able to get preggo on my own next time around?

Perhaps…

My new blog address

My blog will continue at a new address; this blog will remain until TTC #2…

Follow me here: http://newtorontomom.wordpress.com/

New Space?

This space doesn’t seem to suit me any longer. The things I think don’t fit here. Here was a place where I started sharing my fears and doubts, once it became obvious I cannot get pregnant on my own. I had no idea how hard, how long it will take me to get preggo – if I could get preggo.

I lucked out; the treatments were an almost immediate success. I still worried about preserving my pregnancy, and the lack of control over anything, the endless second-guessing were driving me nuts.

Fast-forward to now.

I have a child. I have lots of control. I have tons of resources at my fingertips to eliminate the second-guessing and be decisive.

I have lots of thoughts and opinions and ideas on child-rearing.

But this space is all wrong for those.

So… I decided to close this blog and start another one – on parenting.

Perhaps I will revive this blog in about 6-8 months – when we will start looking into making baby number two. Maybe I will start afresh. I don’t know.

Anyhow… thank you all for supporting me through my path to motherhood. Once I come up with the new blog name and url, I will share – if you are interested.

Until then.

Fun-Filled Summer

Timothy and I have been busy these past few months. Not only did we travel (car trips to Montreal and Ottawa, a week in a cottage, a few weeks to visit grandparents all the way in Russia) – we also took lots of classes: swimming, baby sign language, library nursery rhymes, community centre singing, baby massage, playdates, etc. It’s fun!

Giggles on a Late Night Ride

Traffic is crazy in Toronto today. One major highway is closed (for repairs?) and the other one closed, too (accident?) – so it took us two hours to get home. It was way past Timothy’s bedtime.

At first he was staring out the window (I was sitting next to him in the back seat). I thought he was about to fall asleep since his naps were very short today. And then I caught him staring at me. He saw me look and smiled. I smiled back. He started laughing excitedly, inviting me to play and talk with him. Honey on my heart – these days Timothy rarely laughs; his teeth bother him too much, I guess.

I looked at him and said “dzzzz!”. Timothy laughed. I made a longer “dzzzzzzzzzzz!” – Timothy laughed harder. He touched my face with his warm, sticky hand, said something to me. I replied: dzzzzzzzzzz! More laughing.

By the time we got home it was 9:30 pm. We decided to forgo pj’s today. Lately he hates changing clothes and often melts down completely during the evening change. So today we did just a quick diaper change.

No tears.

I hope he sleeps well. Sometimes when he’s overtired, instead of sleeping through the night into late morning hours (like I used to), he starts waking up every 2-3 hours. We shall see…

Touching Morning

Timothy woke me up, I went into his room. It was about 7 am. I picked him up, brought him back to my bedroom, nursed him while catching a bit more shut-eye.

My husband emerged from the shower and crawled in bed. Timothy immediately lost interest in nursing and put his pudgy little hand on hubby’s cheek. Then another one on his nose (and, well… in his nose, too). And then he started talking. Looking very serious, he shared his thoughts with my hubby, gently slapping his face. Then turned, flashed me a smile, and went on slapping my husband’s smiling face.

I love mornings like this